More than being strong, it is important to be adaptable: "It is much better to be sponges than stones."

Barcelona"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger": although it's a phrase that can be used in the face of adversity, it doesn't quite fit the reality. It's one of the myths that Alicia Álvarez, a doctor in clinical psychology from the UAB and an expert in traumatic emotional memory, debunks in the book How much does your backpack weigh? (Arpa, 2024), where she summarizes 16 years of experience working with trauma. There's even confusion about the definition, according to Álvarez: anyone can experience a potentially traumatic event, but not everyone develops trauma, which is "the wound you're left with after experiencing an event that completely overwhelms your ability to cope." If there's trauma, the psychologist clarifies, the brain becomes "deconfigured" and remains on alert because it "believes" the traumatic event is happening again.

Whether we end up generating trauma depends, among other things, on our interpretation of the situation and, above all, on the resources we have to deal with it, such as resilience. "If you have good resilience, you won't develop trauma," says Álvarez, who invites us to pay attention to the example of the stone and the sponge. "They say you're as strong as a rock, but if you get hit hard, you break into a thousand pieces and there's no one to rebuild you," explains the psychologist, while "a sponge can be subjected to enormous pressure, and when it's over, it springs back into its former form." Therefore, "it's much better to be a sponge than a rock," which is why in life it's more advisable to be adaptable than strong.

While there is no such thing as a resilient personality trait, everyone has resilience and it can be taught: it is "a capacity or ability to self-regulate thanks to a more flexible way of thinking and dealing with situations," writes Álvarez in the book, which suggests several exercises to make us feel better and work on our response to trauma, such as speaking well to ourselves or even doing oscillating movements—like in a hammock or rocking chair—that are as calming as cradling a baby.

Another thing is post-traumatic growth, which can only occur in the presence of trauma and occurs when one is able to integrate what happened. Thus, due to the traumatic event and the subsequent integration process, we can end up being a different version of ourselves, since trauma "involves the shattering of beliefs, of the sense of security, of many things that made you function," the psychologist emphasizes.

Not everyone reacts the same way.

The fact is that everyone experiences potentially traumatic events, and they are not limited to a certain number of misfortunes. In the book, Álvarez details that, according to the latest studies, between seven and nine out of every ten people experience a potentially traumatic event during their lifetime, and three out of every ten are exposed to four or more. However, "fortunately, 80% of people who suffer do not become ill," Álvarez emphasizes. Those who do not become ill manage the trauma with their own resources and integrate what happened, which becomes just another memory. Those who develop trauma must seek the help of a specialized professional, although the effects of the trauma may not manifest until several years later.

"Surely you have heard that time heals everything", says Álvarez, who guarantees that with trauma this does not work: "If we do not intervene, the passage of time does not stop feeding an invisible wound." Trauma can imply the loss of the sense of control, it can be exhausting and it modifies our way of functioning. With the mentality that there is something that is not working so that it can be better, but with trauma he considers that the focus should be another: "It is not so much aboutarrange how to regain a sense of security to disconnect the coping strategies deployed."

Trauma in babies and inheritance

For many years, it was thought that babies weren't aware of anything, but the period from zero to three years is the critical period for the development of many brain functions, and babies can be traumatized. According to the psychologist, anything that happens to us as children can destabilize us, especially if our role models respond inappropriately: childhood trauma is often associated with attachment.

Álvarez adds that "it seems that trauma breeds trauma," and there are studies that suggest that if you suffer early trauma in childhood, you are more than likely to suffer others throughout your development. Furthermore, trauma can be inherited from both parents and great-grandparents—it is estimated that heritability reaches 30-40%—through epigenetics, through which we inherit how we respond to potentially traumatic events, and through behavior, through the way we are treated and raised. "What we inherit is not the pathology itself, but the susceptibility to developing it," she clarifies.

The book's chapters unfold from Miranda's trauma-related experiences, which are based on events that have happened to real people and with which we may be able to identify. As the author points out toward the end of the book, it can be revealing: "You may have realized by now that you have some unintegrated trauma. You may even have identified what is causing you."

There are some signs that may indicate this, such as functioning as if on autopilot, having intense reactions that don't correspond to the triggering stimulus, irrational fears, certain habits and minor quirks, unexplained physical pain—such as abdominal pain—or certain eating habits. On the other hand, when someone close to you is suffering from trauma, Álvarez believes we should learn to endure silence, because "most people just need us to be there, without saying or doing anything, just being there."