Gaslight, when partner manipulation is taken to the extreme

Imagine for a moment that you are in a room and you close the window because it is cold. You leave for a few minutes to get something and, when you return, the window is open again. Surprised, you tell your partner what just happened to you and they tell you that you are not well in the head, that you are making it up and that it has always been open. And now imagine that not only have they called you crazy, but that the one who actually opened the window while you were out was your partner.This manipulation technique is called gaslighting and was powerfully depicted in George Cukor's film Gaslight in 1944. In the film, a man manipulates his wife and makes her believe she is going crazy because she claims the gaslights in the house are dimming for no reason, unaware that he is behind this mystery. "He denies doing it to create doubt and terror in the woman's mind and, literally, to extinguish her reason," explains philosopher Hélène Frappat in Gaslight, or the Art of Silencing Women (Paidós, 2025). In this book, the author analyzes the history of this phenomenon, which she claims has transcended the boundary of personal relationships to reach historical revisionism itself. But, above all, she focuses on how gaslighting is a form of physical and psychological abuse towards women. A concept that, as early as the fifties, became a psychological category in the United States: "It is defined as a maneuver intended to manipulate someone into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events," explains Frappat.The concept of gaslighting appeared shortly before Betty Friedan wrote her famous 1963 book The Feminine Mystique, in which she spoke of the "nameless" malaise that housewives living in the suburbs of the United States had. According to Friedan, this "mystique" was based on modeling the lives of these women according to an image that transformed them into "puppets". "The mystified woman comes to doubt her personality, her intelligence and her existence as an adult human being", explains Frappat.Psychological trap

For her part, North American researcher Jennifer Freyd analyzed the roles of the victim and the aggressor, and how they come to be exchanged between them during a process of gaslighting. "The aggressor is keen to give the impression that they are being unfairly attacked and that their victim is the real aggressor," she explains. In other words, a double strategy is carried out: "I destroy you, while convincing you that this destruction never existed, except in your sick mind," she qualifies.Suffering a gaslighting situation can be very detrimental to the victim, who can be subjected by their aggressor not only from a psychological point of view, but also sexually, and end up engaging in practices they would not really want to do. Doctor David W. Wahl discusses this in Psychology Todaymagazine, where he explains the case of a study analyzing a couple having sex under the influence of alcohol. Although she, under normal conditions, would not consent to anal sex, he ignored it, taking advantage of her state. The next day, if she complained, he would assure her that, in reality, she was the one who had asked him to do it. In this way, he distorted the victim's reality, making her believe his version and even making her feel guilty for having drunk.Knowing whether one is suffering or has suffered a gaslighting situation is not always easy. At the University of Michigan, there is The Gaslighting Project, where victims are invited to share their experiences to further investigate this process, whether in the context of romantic relationships, family, or even work. Detect danger

Toxic relationships have always existed. Fortunately, we now have many more tools to detect them and escape in time. Silvia Llop talks about all this in her new book Ahí no es, Mari Carmen (Plataforma Editorial, 2025). The psychologist assures that, of all the manipulations that can occur in a couple's relationship, gaslighting is one of the most destructive, because it is not always seen. “You don't always realize you are being manipulated, that the tables are being turned, or that you are being deceived, and then you end up not trusting yourself”, she laments.According to Llop, behind a person who gaslights, all sorts of traumas and emotions that they don't know how to manage can be found. “Most of them learned it at home, where they saw or directly experienced a situation of gaslighting,” she assures. It is possible that they are not even aware that they are practicing this, but it is a tool they have learned when faced with situations or feelings they don't know how to confront. On the other hand, to understand a person suffering from gaslighting, it must be taken into account that, previously, there has been a history that has been gestating. “You don’t see these attitudes on the first date. At first, 95% is magical and perfect and there is a 5% conflict that, over time, will grow larger,” explains the psychologist. In this way, at first you fall in love with a person who appears charming, and it is this that hooks you little by little, without realizing that you are falling into the trap of a toxic relationship. “Since at the beginning they have been such a wonderful person, later, when they get angry or have bad behavior, you excuse them thinking they are having a bad day,” Llop continues.Focus and self-esteem

So, how can we realize that we are entering a destructive spiral with our partner? “We have to learn to separate between feelings and reason: we cannot control the feelings and the attraction that a person generates in us, but there is another more mental part that we can evaluate, such as what kind of relationship they offer us and how they make us feel”, reflects Llop. Some of the questions we could ask ourselves are: What kind of dynamic do they offer us? Some days they make us feel good and others we spend crying? Is this what we want in life?Of course, leaving a toxic relationship where practices like gaslighting are practiced is not easy, but it is not impossible either. According to Llop, before taking any step, you have to start working on your self-esteem. “Do activities that fulfill you, go to therapy, connect with yourself, and don't allow the other person to distance you from all the people you love,” says the expert, who assures that it is very common for the abuser to isolate the victim from their entire environment. Rebuilding self-esteem is basic to being able to realize the abusive situation you are in and to be able to face the aggressor. “When you start focusing on the red flags is when you can start to get out of it,” she continues. Once out, it is important to maintain zero contact with that person to avoid falling back into the relationship, a situation that becomes complicated when children are involved.Even though a toxic relationship may have ended, it can take the victim some time to recover psychologically. For this reason, Llop advises them to undergo therapy for a while. “There has been such great destruction that it is as if a bomb had been dropped inside you. You have to rebuild yourself, understand what happened and, above all, not allow yourself to feel guilty for having “allowed” it, but rather understand where you came from and why you got involved. Only then will you be able to ensure that it does not happen to you again,” she concludes.