Gaslight, when the manipulation of the partner is taken to the extreme

Imagine for a moment that you are in a room and you close the window because it is cold. You leave for a few minutes to get something and, when you return, the window is open again. Surprised, you tell your partner what just happened to you and they tell you that you are not well in the head, that you are making it up and that it has always been open. And now imagine that not only have they called you crazy, but that the one who really opened the window while you were out was your partner.This manipulation technique is called gaslighting and was powerfully depicted in George Cukor's 1944 film Gaslight. In the film, a man manipulates his wife into believing she is going mad because she claims the gas lights in the house are dimming for no reason, unaware that he is behind this mystery. "He denies doing it to create doubt and terror in the woman's mind and, literally, to extinguish her reason," explains philosopher Hélène Frappat in Gaslight, or the Art of Silencing Women (Paidós, 2025). In this book, the author analyzes the history of this phenomenon, which she claims has transcended the boundary of personal relationships to reach historical revisionism itself. But, above all, she focuses on how gaslighting is a form of physical and psychological abuse towards women. A concept that, as early as the fifties, became a psychological category in the United States: "It is defined as a maneuver intended to manipulate someone into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events," explains Frappat.The concept of gaslighting appeared shortly before Betty Friedan wrote her famous book in 1963, The Feminine Mystique, in which she spoke of the "nameless" unease that housewives living in the suburbs of the United States had. According to Friedan, this "mystique" was based on modeling the lives of these women according to an image that transformed them into "puppets". "The mystified woman begins to doubt her personality, her intelligence, and her existence as an adult human being," explains Frappat.Psychological trap

For her part, North American researcher Jennifer Freyd analyzed the roles of the victim and the aggressor, and how they come to be exchanged between them during a process of gaslighting. "The aggressor strives to give the impression that they are being unfairly attacked and that their victim is the real aggressor," she explains. In other words, a double strategy is carried out: "I destroy you, while convincing you that this destruction never existed, except in your sick mind," she clarifies.Experiencing a gaslighting situation can be very detrimental to the victim, who can be subjected by their aggressor not only from a psychological point of view, but also sexually, and end up engaging in practices they would not actually want to do. Doctor David W. Wahl discusses this in the magazine Psychology Today, where he explains the case of a study analyzing a couple having sexual relations under the effects of alcohol. Although she, under normal conditions, would not consent to anal sex, he disregarded it, taking advantage of her state. The next day, if she complained, he would assure her that, in reality, she was the one who had asked him to do it. In this way, he distorted the victim's reality, making her believe his version and even making her feel guilty for having drunk.Knowing if you are experiencing or have experienced a gaslighting situation is not always easy. At the University of Michigan, there is The Gaslighting Project, where victims are invited to share their experiences to further investigate this process, whether in the context of romantic relationships, family, or even work. Detect danger

Toxic relationships have always existed. Fortunately, we now have many more tools to detect them and escape in time. Silvia Llop talks about all this in her new book Ahí no es, Mari Carmen (Plataforma Editorial, 2025). The psychologist assures that, of all the manipulations that can occur in a couple's relationship, gaslighting is one of the most destructive, because it is not always seen. “You don't always realize that you are being manipulated, that the tables are being turned, or that you are being deceived, and then you end up not trusting yourself,” she laments.According to Llop, behind a person who gaslights, all sorts of traumas and emotions that they don't know how to manage can be found. “Most of them learned it at home, where they saw or directly experienced a situation of gaslighting,” she assures. It is possible that they are not even aware that they are practicing this, but it is a tool they have learned when faced with situations or feelings they don't know how to confront. On the other hand, to understand a person suffering from gaslighting, it must be taken into account that, previously, there has been a history that has been developing. “You don't see these attitudes on the first date. At first, 95% is magical and perfect and there is a 5% conflict that, over time, will grow larger,” explains the psychologist. In this way, at first, one falls in love with a person who appears charming, and it is this that gradually hooks them, without realizing that they are falling into the trap of a toxic relationship. “Since at the beginning they have been such a wonderful person, later, when they get angry or have bad behavior, they are excused thinking they are having a bad day,” continues Llop.Focus and self-esteem

So, how can we realize that we are entering a destructive spiral with our partner? "We must learn to separate between feelings and reason: we cannot control the feelings and attraction that a person generates in us, but there is another more mental part that we can evaluate, such as what kind of relationship it offers us and how it makes us feel," reflects Llop. Some of the questions we could ask ourselves are: What type of dynamic does it offer us? Some days it makes us feel good and others we spend crying? Is this what we want in life?It is clear that leaving a toxic relationship where practices like gaslighting are practiced is not easy, but it is not impossible either. According to Llop, before taking any step, one must start working on self-esteem. “Do activities that fulfill you, go to therapy, connect with yourself and do not allow the other person to distance you from all the people you love,” says the expert, who assures that it is very common for the abuser to isolate the victim from their entire environment. Rebuilding self-esteem is essential to realize the abusive situation one is experiencing and to be able to face the aggressor. “When you start to focus on the red flags is when you can start to get out of it,” she continues. Once out, it is important to maintain zero contact with that person to avoid falling back into the relationship, a situation that becomes complicated when there are children involved.Even though a toxic bond has ended, it may take the victim some time to recover psychologically. For this reason, Llop advises therapy for a while. “Such great destruction has occurred that it is as if a bomb had been dropped inside you. You have to rebuild yourself, understand what happened and, above all, not allow yourself to feel guilty for having “allowed” it, but rather understand where you came from and why you got caught up in it. Only then will you be able to ensure it doesn't happen to you again,” she concludes.