Without shouts or punishments: how to teach to tolerate frustration

BarcelonaCrying inconsolably when losing, being unable to wait for commercials to end, or shouting because they are not allowed to go out with their friends are situations that show a certain difficulty in managing frustration. "Frustration is a skill that must be trained day by day, because we will keep encountering it throughout our whole life," assures the educational coach, Mar Milán.

Currently, technology makes immediacy viable in any situation. With a single click we can buy, communicate with anyone regardless of where they are, or access knowledge and entertainment. A reality that does not help to exercise patience, an essential element to be able to manage frustration.

Milán explains that often parents prefer to avoid seeing their children cry, but “this need is counterproductive to their education; frustration must be worked on to live with it as best as possible”. Although adults prefer that they do not suffer and do so with good intentions, they cannot save their children from every situation. It is important that they learn to develop tolerance for frustration and work on their resilience, “otherwise we are contributing to them becoming adults who do not know how to face frustration. Life will not change the rules of the game for them so that they end up winning”, he recalls. Therefore, they must understand and learn that one does not always win and that, sometimes, things do not go as one would like.

What we can do from two to five years old

At this stage it is not so much about giving them tools as it is about accompanying them, making them understand that it is normal for them to feel overwhelmed, to get angry and not be able to control themselves when they lose. “It is essential that we validate their emotion, that they realize that we understand that they are angry, sad or furious. Let's normalize, validate and explain to them that we don't always win. It is also worth separating the fact of winning or losing from their personal worth,” points out Milán. And he reminds us that even though it may seem that what we tell them is of no use, these messages are sinking in.

The five to eight range

Here the kids start to understand the rules and it becomes easier to be able to help them. It is possible that they associate the fact of losing or winning with being bad or good, therefore, it will be necessary to insist on separating their identity from defeats and victories, so that it does not affect their self-esteem. “We must make them see that sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. We also have to listen to them to know what losing means to them, so that they do not believe that they are useless or that they always fail,” he recommends.

Adolescence

From the age of eleven, they do not care whether they win or lose, but rather how that positions them in relation to their peers, because their image gains weight during adolescence and they compare themselves to the rest. “Especially during this period, it is advisable to ask them questions to know how they feel,” suggests Milán. Asking them how they had a good time, what they have learned, what they could improve, what they need to overcome frustration or feel better, questions that do not put as much focus on winning or what they would like to achieve as on the process. “Blurring the goal can help manage frustration,” he assures.

How to help them channel

To begin with, children and young people will have to calm down so that their frustration subsides, otherwise they will be unable to pay attention to what they might be told. For this calm to be reached, it can be suggested that they breathe deeply, and for the younger ones, take them to do something else. “It is important that families know their children and know what helps them to calm down. For some, drawing or writing about how they have felt, doing sports, moving around, or singing may work,” explains Milán. When they are calmer, it will then be possible to talk to them, “it will be necessary to find the right moment, be present, and talk to them.” She also reminds us that adults, beyond what they say to their children, are a model above all for what they do; therefore, mothers and fathers should be aware of how they manage their own frustration.