When teenagers want to go on holiday without parents

BarcelonaSummer means holidays, traveling and enjoying moments with your loved ones that daily rush often doesn't allow. But the company with whom we spend this time of leisure and pleasure can vary over the years. While children normally spend their holidays with their family, there comes a time when, as adolescents, they start looking elsewhere. There's always that first summer when they propose to their parents their desire to go on a trip with friends, away from the family. Although it's a totally normal situation, sometimes it's not perceived that way by parents, who have to learn to manage a role change in their relationship with their children.

“It's a topic that usually comes up in therapy in the form of family distress, as it takes parents by surprise. Therefore, I always explain to families that they should understand it as a key evolutionary moment: it's not that their son or daughter feels rejected by the family, but rather that they are building their autonomy,” explains Margot Fusté, child and adolescent psychologist and director of the Psicosinergia psychological care center in Barcelona.

She also points out that it's a process of differentiation that young people initiate and that it's necessary to understand it to reassure families. “Adolescents need to separate to build their identity and when they stop wanting to go on holiday with the family, what they are doing is getting closer to themselves.” Clarifying this shift is essential to avoid conflicts and to create bridges and moments of conversation between family members so that there is understanding from all sides.

The age of 14 is usually when young people start to consider going on a trip with friends, although it is true that families do not usually give them the go-ahead until they are 16. It should be taken into account that as minors they cannot travel alone without consent, but, in these cases, trips are usually to nearby destinations of short duration, such as spending a weekend in a town less than two hours from home and which can be easily reached by public transport.

“Initially, parents see these trips as a risk, which is why we, the professionals, provide them with a rather psychoeducational accompaniment and explain that this trip can be a great educational opportunity in terms of responsibility, autonomy, decision-making, limits... It's not just a trip, but training for adult life,” highlights Fusté.

Talk and plan

Before the trip, it is necessary to talk, plan, and help them prepare for the trip. “Clear rules must be set, as well as knowing where they are going, where they will stay, what their schedules will be, how much money they will have, and having a clear idea of who the contact will be during these days,” indicates Fusté.

In this regard, she emphasizes that if children are given the confidence to travel alone, they cannot be asked to be in constant contact with their families to tell them where they are at all times. There are cases, however, where parents demand to have their children geolocated at all times. “If location is shared through mobile devices, families cannot be constantly checking it, nor should they be able to have it in real-time. Knowing their location should be a security tool, not a control tool. I do not recommend it as a form of continuous supervision because, in the end, it breaks the trust and autonomy of young people”.

According to Fusté, it is not about knowing exactly where they are at all times, but rather that, if something happens, families can know where to find them. At the same time, she also points out that not all adolescents are the same or do the same thing. “There are more responsible adolescents who do not need so much control, those who are in an intermediate position, and those who are more immature and may need more follow-up, but in an explained and agreed-upon way, not imposed”. She recommends making concrete proposals to establish check-in moments, such as upon arrival at the destination, before going to sleep, and if plans change.

The step of taking a first trip alone or with friends will be the first of others that will come from now on. For example, with these trips, the family has to take a step inward to reposition itself, as they go from being the center of their lives to being the secure base from which the child leaves and returns. And to return, they must first leave.

The importance of previous connections

As Fusté points out, it is very important to maintain bonds with children but without invading their privacy and to progressively increase the relationship of trust. This way, it is avoided that when the request to go on vacation alone or with friends arrives, it becomes a surprise, since if it is not a progressive and shared decision, it is when it is experienced as a breakup ("I don't want to come with you"), which often generates more shock. "Normally, parents already see that they go out more on weekends or that they ask to make more plans with friends. If they have a close relationship with the adolescent, going from zero to asking to go alone is strange".

For this reason, Fusté recommends not reacting out of pain, but understanding what is happening and organizing it, since the weight of the group, of the clique, will become greater and greater, as will the need for autonomy they will have.

In fact, it is when there are differences in pace between parents and children that conflict arises. Therefore, it is necessary to give them strategies and, above all, to negotiate. It is not necessary to impose, but neither should one give in to everything. Middle ground must be found, even if many parents experience it as a silent loss. "But very necessary," adds Fusté.

In this regard, he explains that his work in consultation is always directed more towards parents than towards adolescents, since they follow their evolutionary process. Sometimes, however, it is necessary to influence these young people so that they understand the feelings that arise in their parents, so that they can help them in this process, which can be painful and which, it may also be, that members of the couple experience in different ways. Some must understand others and seek balance in decisions and emotions.

"It is true that in adolescence we return to the egocentrism of when we were little, but they need to understand how parents feel and put the mirror on the other. For this reason, we must work above all on communication guidelines. If the adolescent reacts aggressively or does not trust them, the family will ask even more questions. Let's do it as healthily as possible," asserts Fusté.

Lack of trust

But there is also the possibility that parents refuse to give them the necessary confidence to take this trip alone or with friends. "Normally, whoever says no to a trip also says no to many other things. The conflict is not the trip," points out Fusté. In these cases, he explains that parents who remain reluctant to these first trips are because they have not had a previous space for reflection in which they could be explained what it will consist of.

The child and adolescent psychologist recognizes that in these situations many fears arise, but this usually does not happen when there is a bond of trust that does not fail. In this case, there are many other fundamental things that are failing and that are what must be worked on, since these estrangements, in the long run, can lead to many complicated family breakdowns. The essential thing for this not to happen is that there is healthy communication and a secure or trusting bond.