How to help children who are too perfectionist

There are very perfectionist children who experience mistakes with distress. They get very angry when a drawing doesn't turn out the way they wanted, they erase it over and over again, they tear up the sheet or do not want to continue it. According to Montse Busquets, child and adolescent psychologist and co-director of TREC Psychology Center, these behaviors are influenced by factors such as temperament – children who are more sensitive, more rigid, or have a greater need for control –, the way they interpret what happens to them, and the messages they receive from their environment. “The problem arises when the desire to do well becomes a demand and the mistake is no longer experienced as something normal, but as a threat,” she explains.

Avoid labels

According to Busquets, perfectionism is not necessarily associated with any other specific diagnosis. “It is true that some children with high abilities have a lot of self-demand and are very clear about how they want something to turn out, but their motor skills, age, or simply reality do not allow them to reach exactly that result. This generates a lot of frustration for them, but we also see it in children without high abilities.” Thus, rather than applying a label, it is necessary to understand what function this perfectionism serves in each child and to what extent it interferes with their well-being.

Why do they place these internal pressures on themselves?

Two siblings can grow up in the same family and one can be very perfectionistic and the other not. “There are children who think that if they do something well, others will be happy: «If I get good grades, I am worth more» or «If I make a mistake, I will disappoint someone». This can happen even if nobody has explicitly told them that they have to be perfect”. Busquets also points out that we live in a society very focused on results. “We must try to make them think «I would like to do it well and I will strive to do so», but not «I need to do it well to feel that I am good enough». This difference seems small, but emotionally it is huge”, assures the psychologist.

How does it affect them?

Children can suffer from anxiety, irritability, anger, guilt, shame or have self-esteem that depends too much on results. They may also have physical ailments, such as stomach aches, headaches, difficulty sleeping, tension, tiredness... “A warning sign is when this demand prevents them from enjoying themselves: when they can no longer play calmly, try new things or do an activity simply for the pleasure of doing it,” explains Busquets.

More flexible thoughts

Busquets recommends detecting the beliefs “I have to do it perfectly”, “I cannot make a mistake” or “It has to go well for me” to transform them into more flexible thoughts: “I would like it to go well, but if it doesn't, I will be able to tolerate it and keep trying”, “Everyone makes mistakes and that is okay”, etc. It is also important to normalize mistakes. “They need to see us make mistakes, acknowledge it, and move on without dramatizing”, she points out. Another tool is to value the process: effort, strategy, the ability to ask for help, perseverance, and learning. "We must also progressively expose them to imperfection, such as trying activities in which they are not experts or tolerating small errors without correcting them immediately".

What role do families play in this?

Families can review the messages they convey and not place so much importance on the results. “The label ‘You are perfect’ weighs heavily. We must focus on the process: ‘How did you do it?’, ‘What did you learn?’, ‘What would you do differently next time?’” Busquets reminds us that when families see their children suffering, they try to quickly solve their distress. “But tolerating frustration is also learned by going through frustration. We can accompany them, but we don't always have to rescue them.”

How can they be helped to manage these situations?

“We must validate what they feel, but also explain to them that if something didn’t turn out how they wanted, it says nothing bad about themselves”. Busquets remarks that the goal is not to make them enjoy making mistakes, but for them to learn to tolerate it. In the end, the most important message to convey to them is that they continue to have value even if they make mistakes or others do not always approve of what they do.