Children who act as parents: the consequences of growing up ahead of time

“You are ten years old and everyone tells you that you have to take care of your mother, and you take it as a law. She is in bed all day, so it is I who takes care of my one-year-old brother, who gives him his food, who makes his bottle, who wakes up at night to attend to him, and who takes care of the house. To me, it was not strange; just as I did my school homework, well, I also did all of that,” recalls Leticia Paullada, 37, about the responsibilities she assumed during her childhood. Two years after her parents separated, Leticia’s father died. The loss plunged her mother into a depression, and she went back to using drugs. It was then that Leticia, unintentionally, began to assume the role of mother.

This change in roles between children and adults is known as parentification: “It occurs when a child continuously assumes responsibilities that are proper to adults,” explain Laura Núñez, a health psychologist, and Victoria Espinosa, also a psychologist and researcher at the Parc Sanitari Sant Joan de Déu and authors of the book That's not my job!, which addresses this phenomenon.

“We can see it in those boys and girls whom we say are ‘very mature for their age’ or ‘who are very responsible.’ They seem autonomous, very independent, but the problem can be found when their own needs are pushed into the background,” explains Espinosa. “I understood that I had to take care of my mother and my brother; there was no room for my desires or my needs. In addition, there was always the ‘how good you are’ and the ‘how responsible’ and that reinforces that you don't open your mouth and don't complain,” comments Leticia.

“From very early ages, children can suppress the expression of their own needs because they feel that something is happening, that the adult is not available because there is a conflict, and then they assume a role different from the one that would be appropriate for them in an attempt to calm the situation and sustain it,” warns Núñez.

When childhood responsibility is applauded

Experts distinguish between two types of parentification: on one hand, the instrumental, which occurs when a child assumes practical tasks typical of adults, such as taking care of younger siblings or household chores. On the other, the emotional, when they become the primary emotional support for their parents.

“Many times both can occur at the same time. Perhaps the most common is the emotional one, which is also more difficult to detect because it is more subjective, and we find it harder to identify. Furthermore, it can become chronic,” the psychologists warn.

One of the great problems of parentification is, according to the experts, the positive social appreciation that the child receives for their behavior, because it contributes to reinforcing the role they have assumed. "Social reinforcement leads you to keep doing it, because you think that is what they want, that you do things, and that is why they love you. You learn love from what you do, not from who you are," explains Leticia.

Precisely, in the storybook That's not my job!, Maca, the protagonist of the story, receives an award for best classmate. Both the teaching staff and the parents dedicate positive comments to her: “She is so good, she never complains, she is always available for others”. “Parentification is a little-known reality and social reinforcement means that it not only remains invisible, but that it becomes chronic over time and the behavior is reinforced, and this is a problem”, the authors warn.

"I was never able to explain it"

Parentification in children can go unnoticed because the child themselves is not able to identify what is happening to them or to explain it, whether out of shame or because they have simply normalized it. This is especially common in cases of emotional parentification.

“We often see that children try to mediate when there is a conflict between adults, for example in difficult divorce situations. They try to take on the tasks that would correspond to that adult: by listening to them or helping them in situations where there is a physical or mental illness, taking charge of reminding them to take their medication, or, in migration situations, acting as the family's translators and listening to information they should not be listening to,” they add as an example.

In Leticia's case, she was not able to explain what she was experiencing to her family, nor to her friends, nor at school. “I was never able to explain it; I bore it alone. I remember being amazed when I went to other children's homes and they invited me for lunch and I saw the whole family around the table, and the food was already made,” she recounts. It was not until she started therapy, at age 30, that she became aware of what she had experienced during her childhood and how that experience had conditioned her.

The consequences of growing up too soon

The continued assumption of adult responsibilities can have a high impact on the mental health and well-being of the parentified child and on the adult they will become. Leticia's story is an example of this. "You know your mother one way, and in the morning she is another. You do everything you can at home, believing that it will improve. Today, I have a dissociative disorder because no brain can withstand that. You dissociate to be able to bear it," she recounts.

In children, one of the clearest consequences that can be observed in the psychological realm is the difficulty in setting boundaries. "The relational dynamics that are established between children in class lead them not to know how to set boundaries with other boys and girls, or to be unable to play because they are more focused on doing chores or taking care of younger children," comments Espinosa. Sleep problems, anxiety from being excessively aware of their parents' emotional state, or difficulties concentrating because they are worried about what is happening at home can also appear.

In Leticia's case, the difficulties in establishing boundaries also carried over into her affective relationships. She explains that, from a very young age, she began to spend nights away from home and to have sexual relations. "Until very recently, I understood that I was loved for what I did; if I did things, I was loved. The moment they asked me for something and I couldn't or didn't want to do it, I thought they would stop loving me. So I would drop everything to be accepted, to maintain the bond; from putting up with toxic partners to having sex."

A family problem but also a social one

“Parentification is not linked to a lack of love, but rather it often occurs because there is a lack of support networks, difficulties in reconciling work and family life, and an overload of caregiving,” the experts explain. Although socioeconomic inequalities can increase the risk of parentification, psychologists warn that it is a phenomenon that can affect children of any social class. Physical or mental illnesses, conflictual divorces, and the lack of availability of parents are risk factors that have nothing to do with economic level.

“Often, families with fewer resources are more in contact with social services, and these situations are detected more easily. In contrast, in families with more resources, children can remain much more invisible, especially when it comes to emotional parentification,” the psychologists explain. They also insist that it is not exclusively a family problem, but a social one: “When adults are overwhelmed, there is a much greater possibility that they will ask their children for things that are not appropriate for them.”

Fostering autonomy is not parentification

It is important to distinguish between parentification and fostering autonomy in little ones. “We are not saying that children cannot have responsibilities; on the contrary, it is very healthy to give them some to help them develop their autonomy,” the experts warn. The tasks must be age-appropriate and must not represent a continuous burden over time, and it must be ensured that there is always recognition and that the child enjoys space and time to be themselves, to play, express themselves, and develop.

“What would happen if this boy or girl were not taking on this task? With this question, we will see if they are taking charge of something that does not correspond to them or if they are collaborating,” comments Espinosa. To differentiate between an appropriate responsibility and a situation of parentification, psychologists recommend assessing whether the task exceeds the child's capabilities, how frequently they perform it, and what happens if they cannot do it one day. “We must ask ourselves what motivates this responsibility, because the motivation should be to help them foster their autonomy, their empathy, their collaboration, and not just to cover a need,” points out Núñez.

In the same way, when an adult emotionally shares how their day went, a moment of sadness or disappointment is by no means parentifying. “We are not saying that children cannot see the distress of adults or that it should not be shared at a certain moment, but rather that they should not have to take charge of it or support us. The adult must always be the ultimate person responsible for emotional well-being,” comments Espinosa.