BanyolesSome children play very close to adults. They don't wander far, they don't explore on their own. When shared play doesn't arise, adults may feel uneasy, doubt themselves, and be tempted to intervene. In these cases, the best course of action is to pause for a moment and learn to distinguish whether the child we are with is introverted or shy.
Being shy involves feeling uncomfortable or afraid of others' judgment, a sense of shame that translates into insecurity and a fear of making mistakes. Shyness often causes suffering and distress, and in these cases, it is advisable to seek the guidance of a professional who can support not only the child but also their family.
However, being introverted doesn't necessarily mean you're unhappy. The child naturally chooses to have fewer interactions or participate less, but their relationships are full and meaningful. It's a matter of temperament, not insecurity.
Sometimes, when others are playing, these children simply need to be alone; other times, they need time, and sometimes both. It may also be their natural tendency, and unlike others, their social interactions may not be as expansive, yet they are still socializing.
And it might not even be any of the above. They might never grow up to be a sociable person. Perhaps they're an adult, like some you know, or perhaps it's you, who only have one or two friends and that's enough for them. If that were the case, what would be the problem? Why do adults insist on raising sociable children? Surely, social pressure itself leads us to assume that only sociable people can have a fulfilling life.
The adult perspective
Perhaps we're worried because we ourselves weren't sociable and didn't have a good time. And I have some news that will comfort you: the problem wasn't whether you were sociable or not, the problem is that you were made to feel you had to be, that as you were, you weren't enough. How different everything would have been if, from the start, you had felt accepted just as you were, without adult expectations trying to change your way of being in the world.
Children who are part of a group but don't participate as much as we'd like also play. Even if they don't touch, speak, or intervene at first, they begin by playing with eye contact and the reassurance of the empathetic presence of adults and other children, and at their own pace, the interactions will increase.
Perhaps we need to stop looking for recipes to find ways to change the children we have into someone they are not.
The only real challenge, as always, lies in the adult perspective. It is within ourselves, and in our perception of what is "right" or wrong, that we must work to avoid passing this judgment on to our children.
