Barcelona"They spend all day in their rooms and aren't interested in doing things with us," laments Pedro, the father of two teenage boys, ages 13 and 15. Both he and his partner, Marta, are getting used to this new stage. "Adolescence has such a bad reputation that you get a little scared, but it's not that bad," admits the mother, although she acknowledges that they are still adjusting.
We have asked two experts in adolescence, the teacher and psychopedagogue Sonia López Iglesias, and the coach From young Carles Ventura, what guidelines should families with teenage children keep in mind to connect with them.
1.
Understand the stage
Understanding what adolescence entails is key to not taking it as a personal attack. What happens to them is the result of the biological, psychological, and social changes they experience, which can cause insecurity and emotional distress. It's also due to brain development. that is in transformation and cannot use executive functions such as planning, anticipating, organizing, or properly managing emotions.
2.
Be clear about what you want for your children
Although you always see them as your children, if you want them to become adults, you must treat them as such; you can no longer give orders. Move toward the relationship you'll want when they're older.
3.
Agree on the limits
When boundaries are agreed upon, which address the needs of both parents and children, adolescents feel heard. If they feel their needs are met, it will be easier for them to comply. This will lead to better coexistence and the maintenance of their privileges. Teenagers don't want to be constantly arguing with their parents; it's exhausting for both parties. Establish clear boundaries together, along with the consequences for violating them.
4.
Be flexible and choose your battles
Start revising the clauses you've established—obligations, bedtimes, device management. Rewrite them knowing that one day they'll fail and the boundaries will be crossed. Negotiate, review, and talk, but be flexible because if you're rigid, there will be more conflict. Decide what the important issues are and stick to them. Take a break from the rest. It's hard to connect when we spend the day saying "no."
5.
Trust
When you trust them, they have more self-esteem, take on more responsibilities, and this helps them mature. Trust them and give them their space, even if you're a little attentive; don't overprotect them. Talk to them calmly and delegate, and keep in mind that sometimes they won't respond the way you'd like.
6.
Communication must be affective and without judgment.
Adults often base their communication on sermons telling teenagers what to do, but young people tune out after a minute. Communication should be based on affection and should help create a bond. When teenagers feel heard, it's easier for them to fulfill their responsibilities and, above all, for the family to become a safe place where they want to share both problems and positive experiences. If they only feel criticism, it disappears. Listen to their emotions, respect their concerns, and appreciate their opinions; this way, it will be easier for them to open up and talk.
The emotional well-being of young people
According to the latest Youth, Health, and Well-being Barometer (2023), 59% of young people consider they have suffered a mental health problem, and the percentage rises to 70% if asked about emotional distress. Adolescence is one of the periods in life when one can experience the greatest emotional distress, a distress that can lead to mental health problems. Emotional well-being allows us to achieve physical, psychological, and emotional well-being, helping to prevent anxiety and possible depression. Sonia López Iglesias warns that sometimes it is we adults who do not take care of ourselves enough, not getting enough rest or making time for ourselves. "It is important that we realize if we are a good model of emotional management," she recalls. Ventura adds that adults must be at least physically, emotionally, and socially well to be able to connect properly with their children, "otherwise, all our insecurities will come out at the slightest and we will not have the patience, and a lot of patience is needed to accompany our children through adolescence."
Therefore, it is important for families to focus on caring for their children's emotional well-being and help them anticipate possible future mental health problems. "If we establish a good connection with our children, it's easier for them to ask for help when they see they're not knowing how to properly manage what's happening to them," the educational psychologist reminds us. She also recommends that families help young people by promoting healthy sleep and eating habits, creating good routines, encouraging physical activity, helping them find a good peer group, and offering them experiences that make them feel important and useful, and that foster their self-esteem.
How do we support them? López suggests that our support should focus on being present, showing affection and empathy, and helping them identify their strengths and weaknesses. "They need to know who they are to create their new identity," he concludes.
7.
Forget expectations
Accept your child as they are. There will be things they like more and others they like less, but if you start imagining what they could be like or what they could do, you create expectations that can be far from reality. Connect with your child, not with what you think they should be. When they feel accepted, they'll feel more secure and know they can trust you.
8.
Take an interest in your life
Go beyond the surface—their grades, their room, their homework or daily obligations—and take an interest in them as people. Also, share your own experiences with them, and if they're willing to share their opinions or experiences, try to understand and don't judge them. That way, when there's a problem, they'll know they can talk to you calmly if they want.
9.
Be a model of serenity
If there's one thing teenagers can't find within themselves, it's calm. Therefore, if the adult isn't a model of serenity and common sense, this connection won't exist because they'll feel like the adult isn't helping them find calm.
Desperate families
What happens when theory doesn't work and tensions at home make living together difficult? "If you've tried every key and none of them works, sit back and wait with an open attitude. When they see you sitting there, ready, eager to connect, the day will come when they'll let their guard down and you'll be able to communicate more calmly," explains Carles Ventura. He adds that if they see you listening to them and not judging them, they may one day come around. He also recommends paying attention to the signs and being aware that some kids will find it difficult to have a calm conversation. In these cases, he suggests accepting it: "Accepting how they can improve the relationship is preferable to not forcing situations."
Humility can play an important role in these cases. Talking frankly with your children, telling them you don't like how things are going, acknowledging that you're not doing your part, and asking them if you're doing something wrong, what they would suggest to improve the situation, what they need from you, or what could be done differently. "This attitude also demonstrates trust in them," the coach points out.
10.
Find time to share with them
Typically, you spend very little time with your children, but it must be quality time, otherwise they will gradually become strangers. It's essential to seek out shared moments to strengthen the bond and connection. Above all, you must find spaces to help them identify and manage their emotions. Teenagers should feel that their home is a safe environment, and that adults are role models for emotional management.
Some books to understand adolescence
Love when I least deserve it... because that's when I need it most. A guide for parents and teachers of teenagers, by Jaume Funes (El bolsillo, 2019).
The Teenage Brain , by David Bueno (Debolsillo, 2024).
When Adolescence Hurts: Keys to Taking Care of Your Teenage Mental Health, by Sonia López Iglesias (Destino, 2025).
The Privilege of Living Like a Teenager, by Sonia López Iglesias (Destino, 2023).
They need you even if it doesn't seem like it. Resources to support teenagers and boost their self-esteem, by Sara Desirée Ruiz (Grijalbo, 2023).