Carmen Varela: “When you have a client who has cheated, you know they will have to pay for it.”

BarcelonaBarcelona-based lawyer Carmen Varela left commercial law to dedicate herself to family law because she enjoyed helping people, especially children. She often warns clients who hire her to handle divorces: "You'll pay me, but my clients are your children." We spoke with her as a divorce expert. in the busiest months of the yearFamily vacations can break up families in crisis. She recommends planning the separation with a psychologist and a family lawyer. The process can take from two months, if it's by mutual agreement, to nine months or a year and a half if a court case is required.

What would you recommend to someone who wants to get married?

— First, get married, because it's safer on many levels, and then, sign prenuptial agreements, which aren't just for artists and wealthy people. He's already doing a lot of it now, especially with second marriages.

What should a prenuptial agreement include? Because in Catalonia we already have separation of...

— It's a relative separation of assets because in some cases we're in a joint ownership regime. For example, if we convert my apartment into the family home, I may have to leave because the other party gains custody or because they're financially worse off than me. So I recommend specifying everything that affects the children, the use of the home, and alimony. These are the three most important aspects of a divorce.

Compensation is a key issue, right?

— Because the law says that if you work substantially more for the family than the other, or you have left work to dedicate yourself to the home, as is the case with women ofexpatsAt the time of divorce, we must balance assets. Each partner must take the assets they own, subtracting what they inherit. If there's an imbalance, the person with the most must compensate the other with between 5% and 25%, depending on the length of the marriage.

It seems that the illusion is ruined if you start with agreements.

— We must be realistic. Today we know that a marriage is unlikely to last a lifetime, and the agreement demonstrates that we don't want to benefit financially. The agreement doesn't prevent us from putting whatever we want in both names later on. The mentality of young people is changing. I recommend having individual accounts and making contributions to the joint account based on the percentage of each person's income. They also don't register their properties 50/50, but rather based on the percentage they contribute. Love has nothing to do with money.

What the scriptures say is true?

— Let's get down to business. An apartment in your name is yours, but you may have to compensate your ex-partner financially. However, anything you share, for example in a joint account, is presumed to be a gift due to the marriage in Catalonia. If not, you would need to have a loan agreement or prove the traceability of the money, and this is complicated.

Have the reasons for divorce changed over the years?

— I have a statistic that isn't mathematical, but I've been a family lawyer for 33 years. When a woman decides to separate, she goes ahead without needing another partner or family support. For a man, the trigger is usually another woman who gives him an ultimatum. As for the reasons, there are the usual ones—that the love has ended, that I've fallen in love with someone else, that he prioritizes his career—and now they often say that the other person is a narcissist; it's fashionable. We do see that the age of young people has dropped, and having children unhinges them, and they have little adaptability; they don't give themselves time. We also see that the age of older people is rising, because people in their 60s and 70s are also getting divorced to ensure quality of life until the end.

Joint custody is increasingly being requested. According to statistics, it is used in 48% of cases in Spain.

— Yes. Before, there was a stigma that if women didn't have sole custody, they weren't doing it right. This isn't true. I always ask them if they're good parents, and if so, shared custody is fantastic, for having a weekend off and a weekend off, and not having to put up with the overload. To the mother-hens, the overprotective ones, I say: "She has to have a life, go to the movies and hang out with friends," because now there are many who have shared custody and can meet up.

Maybe there is a stigma for parents who don't want her?

— Some aren't interested at all. Others are, because fathers are increasingly present from the birth of their children. Now, joint custody is meant to be exercised. A yacht captain asked me for joint custody, and I talked him out of it because you can't have children on board for half a year.

Do the kids have a say?

— Children are required to be heard from the age of 12, and if they're very mature, from the age of 9. The judge doesn't ask them to choose who they want to live with, but rather to explain how the family has functioned: who makes your meals, who picks you up from school... And if a child says they don't want to be with the other parent, if there are reasons to give sole custody to the other parent, either they're being manipulated or are in a conflict of loyalties and say what each parent wants to hear. However, from the age of 15 or 16, with adolescents who tell you they're tired of moving from one house to another, the Mossos d'Esquadra aren't sent. I recommend not starting a war, because you'll lose the child, and it's better to find another system of relationship that doesn't involve forcing an adolescent to do what they don't want to do.

The surprise must come, sometimes, from knowing that you can have shared custody and still have to pay child support, for example.

— Fortunately, this is crystal clear. The pension is a rule of thumb: if we earn 100,000 between the two of us, and of that 100,000 you earn 70,000 and I earn 30,000, we'll have to pay the expenses 70-30.

Until when, 18 years?

— Until your child is independent, we count from age 25 if they are pursuing a bachelor's degree or a master's degree. However, the details must be modified in the agreements based on circumstances over the years.

Is there still a prejudice that the mother is the one who wins?

— For many men, yes. The problem is that the use of the family home is linked to the type of custody. If you have sole custody—and with infants or very young children, it's usually for the mother—you remain living in the family home. This can mean that some men must continue to pay 50/50 on the mortgage and their rent or live with their parents. With shared custody, this doesn't happen.

What would you recommend to someone who wants to get divorced?

— First, seek advice before making the decision, so you're fully informed. Second, be wary of any lawyer who refers you directly to litigation, because it's always worth trying to reach an agreement. On the one hand, because it will be easier to enforce. And on the other, because you'll still be a family and we must preserve the family relationship as much as possible, the lawsuit should be as transparent as possible. I tell my clients: "You're the one who pays me, but my clients are your children."

There's a myth that it matters who leaves home. Is that true?

— If you leave home without your children, you are recognizing, de facto, that custody belongs to the other party. Leaving hasn't been a crime for 30 years, but we recommend that no one leave until it's signed. The crime of abandoning the home does exist, but it refers to cases of not paying child support, not taking care of the children, and neglecting the family.

And who cheats, tell me?

— Here we don't have a divorce on cause; we don't have to prove who's at fault. The judge doesn't give a damn about you and your partner; he won't even let you tell him about your life and what you've done to him. Let's focus on the children, the house, and the money. Now, cheating is horrible to negotiate. When you have a client who cheated, you know they'll have to pay for it if they want a settlement. There are people who, out of pain, out of spite, want to draw blood.

Can family ties be rebuilt after a divorce?

— Most families manage to maintain a normal, manageable relationship for the well-being of their children. Then there are 10% of cases where complaints continue and there are patterns of parental manipulation and disrespect. Consider that the family is becoming very complicated. There are blended families, reconstituted families that want to coordinate their free weekends, there are socially-affective parents who want their rights to see non-biological children they have raised recognized, surrogacy, adoptions of children of different races, stepsisters who don't want to be separated, couples from different countries who want to get along.

Families must arrive very worn out.

— They've usually gone through therapy beforehand, because divorce is a solution, but it's the last resort. They arrive emotionally devastated, and I send them to a psychologist because I need them to be strong. In divorce, it's good to work with a psychologist and a lawyer.