'The Odyssey': where is Ulysses's waterproof kidney bag?

1 min

This summer I wanted to fill my cinematic gaps (Ben Hur; E.T., the Extra-terrestrial; Terminator; Legally Blonde…) to cure my delayed FOMO. But recently I was forced to go to a cinema to see a film with no interesting female characters in which a tortured man struggles to return home; that is, Nolan's latest. Because cinematic FOMO is better tackled when it's fresh and recent and not buried under thirty-four fresher and more recent FOMOs. Until now I was strangely connected with the pre-Christian Greek people who knew nothing about the Odyssey and constantly heard about it.

But it's over! I've seen it now. Notes from my viewing of the Nolissea:

Notes I'm writing while watching 'The Odyssey' (2026) for the first time this week:

In my experience of going to the cinema, I feel deeply identified with Ulysses. Not because I went alone after cheating on my partner and wandering around to avoid going home, which some people do, but because I arrived with the movie already started a few minutes in (we could exaggerate and say in medias res), after having toiled through foreign waters (aqua-gym), enduring adverse weather conditions (the air conditioning at full blast), and most importantly: when I arrived, my seat… was occupied. My rightful place, my velvet throne! Usurped! Antinous, is that you? I prepared myself to duel as soon as the lights in the room came on, casting suspicious glances and longing for revenge from time to time. (No.)
I wouldn't launch ships for Helen's face, but for Argos's puppy-dog eyes? Make it two thousand. Full throttle.
The indomitable soldier Bourne spends the movie tormented by his bodycount (the reprehensible kind; not how many people you've slept with, but how many you've killed). He committed atrocities in Troy, yes. You know what he didn't do? Film in occupied territories. Nolan can't say the same.
It turns out Athena isn't Athena at all, but the projection of her own remorse. Her role is limited to looking at him like you watch your friend chatting animatedly with their toxic ex. Well, great.
How original to replace Circe's wand with her Casa Tarradellas pottery studio.
Agamemnon's armor, wow. Did he call the Lestrigonians? Everyone's in tin armor and this guy looks like a Lexus. Frankly amusing.
Revise the irrigation, Calypso. I think your island was supposed to be lush and all. A couple of sprinklers, perhaps? I'd say they've made the island drier than an aspirin sandwich so that we can somehow pity our hero. Otherwise, spending seven years eating drugs and fooling around with a Charlize Theron who's about to lose her mind for him sounds pretty tempting.
Ulysses spends twenty years going back and forth with Penelope's brooch and Sinon's little stick: a decade of war and another of battles, shipwrecks, and a thousand situations where it would be understandable to lose everything. As I write these words, I've lost my bike key. Inside my own house. Seriously, how can he still keep them? Where is Odysseus's waterproof fanny pack? Where has he kept them all these years? Clearly up his ass. And even then, it doesn't seem plausible to me.
Helen has the most exquisite face that radiates divine quality beauty and blah blah blah. I don't know how I would feel if I were Clytemnestra, that is, her twin sister, and no one paid attention to me. They even have the same actress.
Now people can turn up their noses and say, 'Well, I liked the book better' (which edition? Oh, there are more than stars!) and also, 'Well, I liked the song better.' The underground has a sub-basement.

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Verdict: I had a good time for three hours, but my heart still prefers Disney's Hercules.