'The Odyssey': where is Ulysses's waterproof kidney pouch?

This summer I wanted to fill my cinematic gaps (Ben Hur; E.T., the extraterrestrial; Terminator; Legally Blonde…) to cure my deferred FOMO. But recently I found myself obliged to go to a cinema to see a film with no interesting female characters in which a tortured man struggles to return home; that is to say, Nolan's latest. Because cinematic FOMO is best tackled when it's fresh and recent and not buried by thirty-four fresher and more recent FOMOs. Until now I had been strangely connected with ancient Greek people who knew nothing of the Odyssey and constantly heard about it.

But it's over! I've seen it now. Notes from my viewing of the Nolyssey:

Verdict: I had a good time for three hours, but my heart still prefers Disney's Hercules.