What is behind an overly obedient child?

Barcelona"The child or adolescent that worries psychologists the most is the one who is asymptomatic, who never questions anything and is obedient to everything." This is the statement made by Sylvie Pérez, a professor of psychology and educational sciences at the UOC. Although there is a tendency to associate a child who gets along well with someone who obeys and vice versa, according to the professor, it is not until the age of 12 that a child correctly associates the concepts of good and bad.

So why do they obey children?

"They do it by responding to the method of punishment and reward," says Pérez, who adds that they do things to avoid punishment or receiving rewards. Usually, the adult dictates a series of guidelines that the child must accept, but there are children who do not obey because they question these rules and questions. "If they do it without aggression, it is a good sign," says the expert Pérez.

Consequences of an excess of authority

Excessive authority on the part of adults can leave a mark on the adult that the child will one day become. "Generally speaking, more than half of the psychological problems of adults begin in childhood and adolescence," explains Paula Morales, also a professor of psychology and educational sciences at the UOC. That is why an overly obedient child can worry psychologists: "It has to do with an excess of restraint that will explode at some point," says Pérez.

But what happens if there is systematic disobedience to the norm?

There are different factors that can influence this type of disobedience, such as genetic or neuropsychological elements, the family's educational style due to little supervision or excessive control, stress or psychological problems of adults, among others. "In addition, we must not forget the social environment, the neighborhood or the school, where learning is usually done through the predominant models," say the experts. According to Morales, the child's disobedience is only what we see, but underneath is the most important part: the causes that have motivated him, the elements that have led him to this state. "We think about what is underneath: have they been pigeonholed at school? Is there something that hinders his well-being? In this sense, parents must act as detectives and look for clues that allow us to complete the puzzle," she points out.

They must be allowed to question the norm

Although there are limits that a minor, regardless of age, should never cross, "there are rules or agreements in daily coexistence that should be able to be questioned by children," Pérez clarifies. They must be given - he adds - the opportunity to express their will and to validate whether what they say is acceptable or not. He also recommends "not focusing the conversation on whether they have gotten along better or worse, but on the facts: "How well you ate!", "It's great that you played with your grandparents!" "Because getting along well or badly is a moral judgment of adults, but playing with grandparents is positive, even if it does not respond to good or bad behavior," he adds.

Spending time with children and paying attention to their needs is essential. According to Morales, it is also important to spend this time listening to them and taking their opinions into account. Parents' emotional and communicative resources are essential to raising children who, instead of simply obeying, feel that adults trust them. "They will be more autonomous people who will better manage their emotions," concludes the expert.