Laia Santís: "We've gone 23 months without sleeping a full night."

BarcelonaI'll be honest with you. I idealized the concept of motherhood and the act of being a mother. It's been a huge shock. I've realized that being a good mother means making many concessions. Many sacrifices. It's also true that having a child is one of the best things that has happened to me in my life. Not the best, but certainly one of the best.

Two years ago, when Martí was just born, you wrote an article in Creatures in which you stated the following: "I don't like motherhood – as a concept."

— I'm still coming to terms with myself, with the decision I made, with the many personal sacrifices and professional growth I've made. I don't enjoy meeting other mothers and talking only about diapers, feeding, and pacifiers. I hate this part. I like being with people and continuing to be Laia, not just "Martí's mother."

What surprised you so negatively about motherhood?

— One day I had to sit some friends down at a table and say, "It's not fair! None of you warned us that motherhood would be so hard! We've gone 23 months without a full night's sleep. Why didn't anyone explain this to us?"

Not sleeping is perhaps the hardest thing.

— We've had a terrible time, and there are still some very tough nights. One morning, when Martí had woken up more than twelve times during the night, my partner and I looked at each other and asked ourselves, "What have we done?" Now, the next day, he woke up happy and shouting. mom, dad, and doubts suddenly vanish.

I don't know if I can ask you, but will he have more children?

— If things don't change much, we'll only have one child. My partner is an only child, and so am I. Before having Martí, we had already made this decision: only one child. As a personal and political decision. But now we're sticking to it. If you want to do it right and be a good father or mother, it takes a lot of dedication. Guilt clouds the concept of motherhood for those of us who want to feel fulfilled with our personal projects.

Tell me about that feeling of guilt.

— Guilt has many layers. I feel guilty when I spend time on reading-related projects and on my Instagram, when I prioritize them over my son. That verb, prioritize, terrifies me.

TRUE.

— I also suffer because I have a job as a teacher, and reading is one of them. I have to find time to spend with Martí to create content. Maybe it shouldn't be my priority, but my Instagram makes me very happy. @vidaentrelibrosI also feel guilty when I see my partner doing more of the parenting than I do. It's still quite unusual for a man to be the one doing the parenting. The burden of not being present enough in my son's life crushes me.

Books unite him.

— There are books everywhere in our house. It's a chaos of letters. And Martí is a whirlwind that never stops. He's very active. Suddenly, however, you feel a sepulchral silence, you look for him, and you find him in a corner looking at stories. It's magic. I also love it when he sees me reading and approaches me. Either with a story in hand or to read what I'm reading. There's no more pure and powerful gesture.

What would you say to a mother who is like you were two years ago?

— That being a mother isn't easy. That if you want to do it well, and you're demanding of yourself, it's a huge challenge. That everything we do will be done well if we do it with ourselves and our son or daughter in mind. I would also tell her that if you want a happy son or daughter, there must be a happy mother. Therefore, she shouldn't give up on everything that fulfills her. She should pace her involvement with her child and, as the months go by, return to who she always has been, because it's important to maintain the essence of what makes us unique, beyond being mothers.

One last thought.

— Everything you experience for the first time is magnified, and you may experience it with fear. For example, the first time you have a fever, the first time you fall and turn blue, the first time you have to go to the emergency room. But over time, you put everything into perspective and you suffer a little less. I would have loved to see Martí born with the gaze I see him with now, two years later. A more whole, solid, and confident gaze. More serene and happy.