I want another child, but my partner doesn't. What should we do?

BarcelonaIn Catalonia, 1.1 children are born per woman. According to the Idescat (National Institute of Social Development), in recent years, the number of smaller families with only one child has increased, and the tendency to have two, but especially three, or more children has decreased. Job insecurity, new family patterns, and later marriages are some of the causes of this demographic trend. In this context, what happens when one partner wants more children and the other doesn't?

According to conscious parenting consultant Míriam Tirado, wanting more children or not wanting more is a free decision, but it is conditioned by external factors such as social pressure or one's own beliefs. "Really, we are never completely free because we carry our burdens, our beliefs, our history, the experiences we had as children with our families, or what we've heard from our parents," Tirado asserts.

The fact of having had siblings or not having had any also weighs, points out psychologist Pere Font Cabré, founder and director of the Institute for the Study of Sexuality and Couples (IESP): "For people who grew up with few siblings, it can be even more important because of the fact of wanting to give children and that they would have liked to have had."

The role of the first

Many families also feel the pressure from their current child, who asks their parents for a brother or sister. According to Tirado, that decision is up to the adults. "They don't have that right. If they have siblings, fantastic. And if not, that's also true. We always tend to think it's worse, but it's neither better nor worse, just different. What's important is the capacity, the energy, the desire, and the wish of these parents to welcome and accompany a new life with everything that this new life entails." And he warns: if there are no siblings—and if there are, that's also true—it's a good idea to have porous walls, "so that the home space can be shared with friends and family of the same age, so that children don't grow up isolated and with a limited range of relationships," emphasizes Font, who emphasizes the role of the school and the role of the school.

When there is disagreement

Beyond the desire for the first child to add a member to the family, some couples disagree about the decision. According to experts, the key to resolving this conflict lies in good communication. "When there is a lot of disagreement when it comes to making this decision, each partner will feel that accepting the other's decision implies their own renunciation and not listening to their desires or what their heart and body are telling them," says Tirado.

For the partner who gives in and accepts what the other wants, whatever it may be, digesting this betrayal of their own desires will not be easy. "It's a very delicate subject in the world of relationships; it causes a lot of pain," emphasizes Font Cabré.

As a psychologist, he has worked with couples who have found themselves in this situation and recommends reaching agreements and having this conversation from the start. "Young couples may not think it's necessary, but it is very important, when defining their future plans, to have a basic agreement on how many children they want."

Having discussed this key issue at the beginning of the relationship prevents disagreements, and, as Tirado argues, the initial agreement should be reviewable. "You may have initially said that you want two or three children—when you have no idea what it entails, what it means, or what having children is—and then change your mind when you already have one and know what it's all about and your relationship, family, and work circumstances may be different than before."

Pere Font disagrees about the difficulty of reopening the debate on the fly. "For example, a couple may decide they don't want to have children, but one of them thinks that perhaps later the other will change their mind. What if they don't? What if one suddenly decides that they do want children now, and the other confirms they don't?" According to the therapist's experience, disagreement on such a vital issue leads, "relatively easily," to a breakup.

Closing the debate in a false way can open a rift in the relationship and can leave a thorn in the side of the spouse who has to do the opposite of what they want. Without solidity, maturity, and desire, it's better not to have or not to have more," he maintains.

Look beyond

Míriam Tirado prescribes professional help to overcome self-reproach and work on and review what we think we want. "Sometimes, we value what we don't have, or what we imagined we would have, more than what we actually have. Where do we focus? You want to have a child, but then maybe that child doesn't come. And sometimes there's this tendency to focus more on what we're missing, and we miss out on deeply appreciating everything we have, which is so much, and if I were to lose it, it would be as if we didn't value it," she reflects.

Tirado suggests reflecting on why we want more children and claims that it can hide an inability to find happiness within ourselves: "Sometimes people also put happiness on the outside, on having more, on this: 'If I have one child, I won't be more, but I'll be happier. I have two, I'll be happier.' Always putting that desire for happiness on the outside, on having more things or more situations that I don't have now to make me happy." According to the conscious parenting consultant, happiness comes from within and from within oneself. "The void, if it is there, we must try to fill it from within. And that will require a lot of work to do, a lot of personal growth. And go into those voids because, sometimes, many of the discussions about whether or not to have children stem from the belief that by doing other things or having other things or envying what others have, we will fill that void more." Instead of trying to fill it, then, it's about connecting with one's own needs and desires. "Whoever is capable of doing this homework with themselves and as a couple will grow; they will prevent fissures, resentments and unfinished business."

Three steps to manage conflict

• Define your life plan clearly before starting to live together, at least in critical aspects such as having children or not.
• Experts recommend communicating each other's desires to reach an agreement. Having disagreements doesn't mean the union is doomed to fail.
• If a couple cannot get out of this on their own and find themselves stuck, it is advisable to seek professional help.