A Ukrainian commander's personal diary: "I'm becoming a cynic."

BarcelonaAugust 1, 2022. It's finally raining in the war-crazed Donbas. "Today we drank and remembered those who are no longer with us. And, of course, They are new feelings when you already have a partner to remember.. Close friends. That's how it is. It's raining today. Finally."

A year later, on September 3, 2023, the Ukrainian trenches are dripping with euphoria, enemy death, and rock music. "Today is a good day. Three Russian orc vehicles have been burned to a crisp. We're doing it. Routine, everyday life, rock'n'roll. Fucking Russia and all its ideas".

But wars consume: "I once read that war is endless hours of boredom interrupted by moments of absolute terror. And now I feel nothing. At all. It's like something has eaten me from the inside.". November 10, 2024.

Commander Baloo has been fighting to defend Ukraine since the beginning of the Russian invasion. Commander Baloo commands drone units that shoot to kill at any Russian presence. Commander Baloo decided to give me access to his war diary. Twenty-one other people can read it: family, close friends, and his psychologist. It's a 21st-century diary: he writes it online, through a private Telegram channel.. It looks like a 20th-century diary: what it writes has been written before by soldiers from both the First and Second World Wars. Humanity on a loop.

—Baloo, why do you write a diary?

—So I don't have to inform each and every one of the people who care about me. It's the most effective way for them to know I'm alive.

—But you make deep reflections.

—Over time, I've opened up more. I write what I see and what I feel.

—Are you explaining the whole truth?

—No, not the whole truth. There are things I think I'll never tell.

—Why?

—Because it's not necessary to know everything, and I don't want to tell everything either.

Commander Baloo has given the ARA permission to reproduce excerpts from his diary. He has set only two conditions: not to share sensitive military information and not to reveal the names of his units. We will not use his real name either. Only his war name: Baloo, after the bone of his father.The Jungle Book. His comrades in arms say he resembles him. In The Jungle Book, Baloo the bone is a friendly, wise animal, who teaches the laws of the jungle to Mowgli and the rest of the wolves in the pack.

—Have you taught your soldiers the laws of war?

—Well, to teach things about war and its laws, you have to understand war. And, after all, we are civilians who have ended up here. I have simply tried to transmit my principles: give, help, and focus on being effective.

I met Commander Baloo on January 4, 2024, in Pokrovsk, a Ukrainian city full of war. We take one espresso in a shopping center that no longer existsRussian bombs destroyed it months later. We ate frankfurters at a roadside restaurant that no longer exists: the owners fled because of the advancing Russian troops. Those days, another Ukrainian soldier told me a premonitory phrase: "War is getting used to speaking in the past tense." This soldier no longer exists either: Russian shrapnel pierced him months later.

War is a roller coaster

January 4, 2024. Today I was interviewed by a Catalan newspaper. When the article is ready, I'll share it around. And we'll read it.

He wrote it in his diary the night we met. Then I asked him what winning the war would mean to him: "For me, winning the war means that the 150 men under my command return home safely. I can't control the rest."

This week I asked him the same question on WhatsApp.

"Baloo, what would winning the war mean to you?"

"I don't think I have a clear answer to this question anymore. I don't know what winning means anymore. I'll settle, I guess, for Russia to leave us alone."

"Have there been any casualties among your men?"

"Of course. With every death, I think of their children. We always give something to the family of the deceased, so that their children remember that their father was a respected person."

"Do you feel responsible?"

The hardest part is gathering a group of soldiers and sending them to the front.And meanwhile, meanwhile, you stay in the rearguard waiting for everything to turn out well. Over time, doubts, swear words, and criticisms appear. Sometimes optimism returns. "War is like a roller coaster. This phrase was also said by Commander Baloo during the January 2024 interview.The mountain, of course, had to be Russian.

May 19, 2024. I have no more emotions left. I guess it's my body's defensive reaction. I'm sure of one thing: I'm becoming a cynic, a tough person. Anyway. Hugs to everyone. We're still going strong.

July 7, 2024. Today I woke up in a trench. For the first time in the last month and a half, I feel great. I am accompanied by true warriors, not like the Russian trashSunrises, cats, and sunsets will be your faithful companions to keep you from going crazy. Let's stay calm, everything is under control.

November 10, 2024. I've decided to dedicate all this chaos to myself. I've lost a few pounds, started reading more. I went to the shooting range, shot with the new rifle; I really enjoyed it. On the road that afternoon, a boy was hitchhiking; he'd run out of gas. I took him to a gas station; at least I've done something good. I wouldn't have allowed myself to do this before. The geese and ducks are already migrating, winter is slowly beginning to take hold. Autumn here is beautiful. But everything is sad, of course.

Commander Baloo is from Dnipro, Ukraine's third largest city. He lived there with his wife and daughter. In that life, he owned a marketing company. At the university where he studied, No one ever prepared him for shooting at vehicles loaded with men in Russian uniforms. He and his family spoke and still speak Russian. The diary is written in Russian. The Dnipro region is predominantly Russian-speaking.

“Has the war changed you?”

“I’m less empathetic now. Almost nothing affects or moves me. I used to care about people, their stories. Now I don’t care. Everything doesn’t matter to me.”

“Why did your psychologist add it to the diary?”

“I was in therapy before the war. When I was drafted, she asked me how I was, and I suggested she join the channel.”

“Are you in therapy now?”

“No, and I’m sorry. Although sometimes I think I’m at a point where I want to figure things out on my own.”

—What did the psychologist help you with?

—To find a purpose in life.

—Has the war helped you find it?

—A little, yes: I want to have a garden and take care of it, I want to drink wine, and I want to see my daughter grow up..

His family is present throughout the diary. Especially his wife, Kristina, and his daughter. He dedicates an entry to remembering the shocking moment Kristina visited him in Pokrovsk. He includes a selfie of the two of them. "My beloved Kristina. I remember her arriving in Pokrovsk with a determined attitude, saying 'I don't care if it's dangerous.' This photo is from July 12, when the Donetsk front was already crumbling." Commander Baloo's visits home are limited. They are, if you're lucky, once every six months.

Animals are also a constant in these pages. Historically, It has been documented how appreciation for animals is accentuated among soldiers who fight in war. Perhaps it's a lack of love, or perhaps it's the need to expand life to avoid death. Ukrainian troops often share images of dogs and, especially, cats on their social media. Cats serve a basic function in any trench: scaring off rats. Rats eat the soldiers' food. Commander Baloo has a special devotion to food.

March 22, 2022. Today we crushed two Russian tanks. And then we made some fried eggs and ate them. Let's continue.

August 18, 2024. They are evacuating Pokrovsk [due to the advance of Russian troops]. Tomorrow the big supermarkets close, and people are emptying all the shelves, just like before New Year's Eve. When I went, there was only one cake left in the display case. So you could say I've taken the last bit of civilization with me.

'I wish you a Merry Christmas'

-In 2024, you told me you could never forgive the Russians. Do you still think so?

“I have no reason to forgive them. They rejoice when missiles fall on children in Ukraine. I just wish they had a bloody civil war in their country. They deserve it. They like the war, the suffering… well, I hope their God hears their prayers, because God is definitely on their side.”

“Are you tired of war?”

“More like, I'm tired of not being able to live the life I want.”

“Will this war ever end?”

“Of course it will. And if the country's rear holds out, it could even end in victory.”

The hatred in Russia exudes throughout the entire diet..It records military achievements in which considerable numbers of casualties occur among enemy troops.

March 22, 2025. Yesterday we reached an important milestone. In 99 days, 1,000 Russians were eliminated by a single company. I can't wrap my head around that number. And all the while, the song composed by my friend Stas, who died two weeks ago in a shootout, plays. This is the exchange for his death. And there will be many more.

January 26, 2025. We've received the results of our brigade. Basically, in numbers, We are eliminating one Russian battalion per week. And with my humble contribution [attach an emoticon of a face with hearts in its eyes].

In 2023 he wished everyone a Merry Christmas with a death video. And wish you a Merry Christmas.

A few days later, on February 19, 2024, Commander Baloo wrote to his diary a phrase almost as universal as the "Merry Christmas". It can be applied to any living being on the planet, but written by a soldier at war it takes on another dimension: "I'm still alive, but it's temporary."

—Do you think about your death?

—Only when I go to the funerals of his colleagues. I wonder what mine will be like, who will comeBut then I say to myself: "What does this matter now? All I have to worry about is taking care of my family's future so that if it ever comes to me, no one can say, "Oh, he died and left us with a lot of problems."

—Have you been close to death? —BK_SLT_LNA~ —Twice. Once, from a mortar attack. I don't think I'll ever forget the sound of the drone chasing me through that field. Both times I thought the same thing: "What a stupid way to end life."

Commander Baloo says it rains a lot these days in the war-crazed Donbas. Commander Baloo says he'll share this report with his war-crazed online diary.