"My mother lost a cleansing she was desperate for": the difficult separation of blended families

"I've cried more for Laia than for my marriage," explains Neus Velasco about the breakup of their relationship and their blended family. Five years later, they had a daughter together: Arlet, Laia's half-sister. The relationship lasted nine years, the longest in a child's life. "When the relationship broke up, it was very brutal, and not just for me. The end of a blended family not only ends the relationship as a couple, but also the emotional bonds built with the children and, often, with other close members, collateral victims of this family change. I had the intention of breaking anything off, but contact with the girls was emotionally unbearable for me.

Family relationships and parental role

In many cases, stepparents become very important figures for children, and can even take on a more present and active role than a biological parent if they have been built through living together, providing daily care, and everyday life. "When we talk about a blended family, it means that there has been cohabitation, that it is not just the mother or father's partner, but that they have met and that person has performed parental, educational, and caring roles," explains psychologist Meritxell Pacheco, director of care at the Institute of Psychology and Development. "The bonds that are generated are those of affinity; they are not biological, but bonds are developed and the roles of both father and mother are fulfilled," explains Berta, co-coordinator of theAssociation for Attention to Family Diversity (AADF)Blended families, also known as reconstituted families, are multiple and diverse. They are formed by a couple in which one or both members contribute children from previous relationships and who may also have children together. "They are not built from the biological bond, but from social parenting. In this sense, cohabiting fathers and mothers have an affective and nurturing role equivalent to that of a biological parent," adds Pacheco, also a psychology professor at Ramon Llull University (URL-Blanquerna).

These roles translate into everyday tasks such as taking children to the doctor, helping them with their homework, or staying with them when they are sick. Through this day-to-day life, and over the years, the emotional bond is built. "When we were together, I was the mom and he was the dad, I worked fewer hours and adapted my schedule," explains Neus. "There were sleepless nights, I was in the school WhatsApp groups... I played the role of mother, with everything that entails," she adds.

"When a blended family breaks up, it's a deep time of grief. If that person has become an attachment figure—a figure of support and trust for that child—the breakup can be as painful, or even more so, than that of a biological parent. It's a grief for the whole family, and everyone will have to deal with it," she explains. According to Berta's experience at the Association, these couples put a lot of hope into making the relationship work, and when it breaks up, it's experienced as something that has gone wrong, sometimes even worse than the first time. "Expectations have been set too high, and the blow is very hard. In addition, there's generally a lack of awareness, of thinking that it's going to be much more difficult, that everyone is carrying very heavy burdens, that we often get married without having grieved the previous relationship, or that our children are still coming to terms with the fact that their parents are no longer together," she points out. In some cases, falling in love and the difficult economic climate—unaffordable apartments to rent and buy—coupled with the expense of going through a divorce force many blended families to quickly begin living together. "Normally, financial issues disrupt the rhythms. Ideally, they should respect each other's time, but very few families can do that, and when a couple is deeply in love, it seems like everything will turn out just fine," Berta comments.

Law, mourning and lack of legal recognition

According to the Association of Mixed Families, divorce rates are higher in these blended families than in first marriages; they have a 45%-50% chance of ending in breakup.

"There are more factors at play; it's more difficult than in a traditional family. No one teaches you how to do it; you follow the traditional family dynamics, and it's not traditional. There are problems with cohabitation, loyalty conflicts with the children; it's very exhausting," explains Berta, the Association's coordinator. The difficulties often stem from the context in which these families are formed: they live in the same family nucleus as their ex-partner, leisure time is dependent on the ex-partner or the type of divorce or separation, there may be a certain lack of influence from the father or mother regarding the children's upbringing, and very diverse parenting styles. "Blended families are highly complex systems; they require a lot of patience, dialogue, perseverance, and a lot of care, much more than any normal family," explains Maria. "It's not just adding, here you suddenly start calculating square roots," Berta jokes.

According to the National Institute of Statistics (INE), of the 80,065 dissolution proceedings registered in Spain in 2023, 76,685 were divorces—5.7% fewer than the previous year. Of these, almost 43% involved dependent minor children. "Reunion processes are much more complicated because everyone comes from their previous experiences, from their own dynamics with their children, which may not be the same as those generated by cohabitation," adds the psychologist. This is a common reality for many families, and the outcome is another possibility. "When everything broke down, I demanded to see Laia from the beginning, but at the time I was denied. I informed myself and was aware that I could legally obtain visitation, not overnight stays, but seeing her one afternoon a month or whatever, because it could be proven that during nine years of living together, there had been a relationship, one child," explains Neus.

In fact, the Civil Code of Catalonia expressly includes this. Article 236-4.2 establishes that children have the right to interact with grandparents, siblings, and other close people, and that these, in turn, have the right to maintain a bond with the children. Parents have the duty to facilitate these relationships and may only prevent them if there is a justified cause. "Even if there is no biological or legal bond, children have the right to maintain a relationship with those with whom they have created a significant emotional bond. This is possible because the Supreme Court recognizes that the current family model is plural, and that any stable cohabitation unit can be considered a family, regardless of its structure or the path it followed to form," he explains. The High Court of Justice of Catalonia also recognizes this, although in its rulings it primarily refers to grandparents. However, according to the lawyer, this criterion could be applied analogously to other close people, such as affinity figures or ex-partners, especially when they have maintained a significant and stable emotional bond with the children.

"I understood that at that moment it was pushing the emotional envelope, and I didn't do it. I didn't see myself capable of it because I thought it would be an emotional mess for Laia; I thought she'd find herself in the middle of a war," Neus explains. In María's case, her ex-partner asked her to maintain contact with the girls, Sara, Elisa, and Gala. "The separation happened very suddenly. He told me that they missed me a lot, that they wanted to see me, and so did I, but I couldn't handle what was happening. It took me many months to say goodbye," Maria describes.

In general, the reconstituted families that have lived together the longest are the ones that maintain the closest ties after breaking up. "When you've had an intense and long-term relationship, you've been through and overcome many things together, and you have a relationship beyond the couple, then it's easier to maintain these relationships. When this cohabitation is short or with very young children, the grief can be very intense at first, but over time, each person will retrace their experience," explains Ber. Legally, cohabitation isn't measured by a specific period that grants more or less entitlement to visitation. "There's no specific time; each case is analyzed and it's established whether a bond has been built through the experiences and the time spent together, but this former partner will never have the regularity of stays like those of a biological father or mother," warns the lawyer. The relationship normally continues over time, also in families where children have been born together because they try to maintain the relationship between siblings. "In these cases, the relationship should be maintained as a matter of responsibility. Furthermore, it must be taken into account that siblings share a biological sibling," comments the psychologist.

Childhood grief in the face of a new loss

"Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that because it's not the first blood family, or because it's a second breakup, the child already knows what's going on and there's no need to be so careful. And it makes no sense, because perhaps that child, with that related parent, has established a bond as intense (or more so) than with their own father or mother, that with their own father or mother they have gone through the same process, or even more so) than with their own father or mother, that we offer with their own father or mother in the case of a biological affiliation," warns the psychologist. This grief, little-disclosed and often silenced, affects not only adult figures but also children, who may lose essential role models in their daily lives, and reliving that grief doesn't help. "It can be a more complex situation because they may feel abandoned again or even feel a certain amount of guilt," explains Pachecho. Dealing with it in one way or another will depend, above all, on each child and their age. According to the psychologist, they may display a depressive state, become very sad thinking about what they've done wrong, have the idea that they are incapable of keeping any adult figure by their side, or harden themselves as a form of protection.

Therefore, knowing how to face and explain the end of this bonded family to the children is important, although it may not be easy. "You have to be honest, explain that the person will no longer be part of daily life, carefully explain that there is no one to blame and that the explanation is relational, but that they have mutual affection and can maintain contact, if desired," says Pacheco. It's important not to instrumentalize children in this equation, she warns. The relationship between like-minded members can naturally space out over time, and when the children are older, they may decide to maintain it. According to the psychologist, as long as the breakup was cordial, it's good to preserve the bond. And if it wasn't so easy, you can arrange a one-off meeting and allow contact to gradually fade. "Grief must be respected as a natural process in each family, and frequent visits between like-minded members may interfere if this contact is too frequent and doesn't allow each parent to fully return to their lives," says Pacheco.

In Neus's case, all that remained of that almost decade-long relationship materialized in the form of contact three years ago, when Laia sought her out. "I told her everything that had happened and that I've always really wanted to see her again. We've reconnected to the point where now she comes to my house, spends days with her (biological) sister, my current partner, and my youngest daughter," Neus explains proudly. Maintaining a relationship of this kind over time is an added value, as long as it's enjoyed, although if there might be tensions, it would no longer make sense for either party. "Sometimes I see a photo of them through an acquaintance and I'm surprised by how much they've grown. In fact, a few months ago I started thinking about all this and thinking that I would like to see them again, but I haven't quite figured out this desire yet," Maria concludes.