If a family member dies, should children see their body?

GironaThe loss of a family member is a moment that tears at the seams and shakes internal structures. Even if the situation is disturbing or uncomfortable, children and adolescents need to find answers to their concerns about death. In the family, it's time for conversation: to bring out the beliefs we hold and to talk about it in a balanced and open way. Has grandparent gone to heaven? Or does life just end? What we do and say will largely determine how children—and, in turn, we—go through this grieving process. Will seeing the lifeless body help them realize that grandparent will never be there again? These and other questions about how children and young people experience death are answered by Marta Butjosa, educator and therapist.

What's the starting point?

"A loss, from the start, must be digested and processed. It's a slow process, and everyone has their own pace," explains this expert, a high school teacher. The priority is support. "That is, allowing children to ask questions and express all their doubts and fears. In short, being there for them, creating exclusive moments of intimacy for whatever they need," she emphasizes. Drawing a picture can help channel emotions. But is it necessary to ask them to draw one? Not always. "Children want to please the adult, so we must be careful that they don't end up doing it because we told them to. It could be manipulative, and the gesture must be honest," Butjosa emphasizes.

What is the family belief system?

The way death is experienced is a cultural and family issue. "What do we think about death? Do we return to Earth or do we go to heaven?" asks Butjosa, who recommends reflecting on it from a family perspective and together with the child. Nor is it necessary for us to answer every question they ask. We don't have to know everything. "Death is a mystery. Sometimes, we're frightened by the questions our children may ask. If we don't understand a question, we ask again to understand what's happening to them and what stage they're in so we can better accompany them."

When children are three years old, they begin to become aware of death, but they experience it more in a fanciful and symbolic way. Therefore, the answers shouldn't be from a biology textbook. From the age of six, they usually begin to understand the concept of death; and adolescents already need more rational answers. In her opinion, it's good to introduce the concept of death from an early age. "If we've accidentally crushed a snail or found a run-over swallow, it's important to do something. Don't let it just disappear. We explain that it's no longer breathing and won't breathe again, discuss any questions that arise, and make a little corner for it where it can rest," she describes.

Will it do them good to see the lifeless person?

First, it's a priority to "investigate and discover what they think, know, or suspect about death. Where they are at." Perhaps they've seen a movie or captured some image—in a private moment, of course, away from crowds, so we can be there just for them and they feel listened to—until their curiosity and questions subside. Together will allow them to understand that death is part of life. "If we provide proper support, it doesn't have to be a traumatic experience," Butjosa emphasizes. However, "if this death causes us pain, what will impact them won't be death itself, but our pain."