At what age can children go to a funeral home?

MartorellMusic, drawing and even relaxation are some of the allies that Neus Cester uses to approach death and mourning with very young children. A kindergarten teacher, Neus Cester (Martorell, 1995) says that even when they are very young, children can understand the death of a family member or an animal; it is enough to adapt the way of explaining it to each age to make it more understandable. "We have to normalize death as part of life," she says. It will depend on the maturity of each child, but by the age of three they can already feel how adults suffer from death, although they may not associate it with a permanent disappearance. It will be a little later, by the age of five (these are not mathematical limits but approximate), that they begin to feel "curiosity" and get fed up with asking questions. For Cester, it is not necessary to be alarmed or nervous, but it is a good time to resolve doubts about life, because the important thing is "that they feel listened to, to validate their feelings," she says. He also says that there is no fear at the moment, so we can take advantage of the interest so that they can grow without that "taboo."

Should we use euphemisms?

At these younger ages, are expressions like "grandma has gone to heaven" or "uncle has gone on a trip" valid? According to this teacher, these solutions "can lead to misunderstandings and confusion" among children. "You can explain to them that when a person dies, their body stops working: the heart stops beating, they no longer breathe, they no longer speak or move," she advises.

Do they have to go to the funeral?

At this point, Cester (@_pedacitosdemaestra on Instagram) maintains that a child of five or six years old can already decide, for example, if he or she wants to go to the funeral home or the burial of a relative once he or she has been made to understand the meaning of death. "We must make them see that, although it is true that we can no longer see that person, we will be able to remember him or her and hear him or her within ourselves," he says, and if the child is familiar with religious concepts, perhaps he or she can be encouraged to reflect on what he or she thinks.

After years of training in grief, Cester was encouraged to do the exercise with his own process following the death of his grandparents and father. He dedicated it to him. The last smile (Editorial Cuatro Hojas), a story with illustrations by Verónica Gallardo in which a girl learns to keep the memory of her deceased father alive through the five sensory senses. "There is a moment when her father tells her that as long as she remembers him, he will always be by her side," she explains. She had the title clear from the start and the short texts of the story came out of a blur one morning when she woke up very sad, longing for her father, who had died three years before. With literary creation she says she has been able to "transform the pain of death into love" and points out that mourning is a process that, if it is not given attention and space, runs the risk of "becoming entrenched."