Alba Cardalda: "We don't know how to get the hell out of here."

BarcelonaA few years ago, psychologist and neuroscientist Alba Cardalda (Barcelona, ​​1989) uploaded a video to Instagram to answer a simple question: how do you politely get someone to go to hell? Rosa dels Vents saw it and asked her for a book to try to answer it. How to get shit started politely (2025), which has placed among the best-selling non-fiction books in Catalan this past Sant Jordi.

Do we really need to get the hell out of here?

— Usually yes, because we don't know how to do it when something bothers us, we don't know how to set limits.

We define the limits.

— It's the symbolic, invisible barrier through which we say, "No, this way." It marks the way we can be treated, and how we treat ourselves. And they're personal—they may be one way for me, and another way for you.

How do they put on?

— The ideal is to do it assertively, that is, taking into account the feelings of others while being honest with ourselves.

It's one thing to say it, and another for the person to want to accept it.

— Boundaries, with the people we love, should be a conversation to reach a point of understanding. They can't be imposed. I express what I feel or want so the other person doesn't have to guess. If the other person doesn't respect this, we can keep trying or distance ourselves, which is also a way of protecting ourselves.

And what happens if we have desires that are not healthy?

— People may come and say, "My limit is that my partner doesn't talk to other women." A distinction must be made between negotiable and non-negotiable limits. A control mechanism like not talking to others isn't a negotiable limit. Mechanisms of manipulation and abuse are non-negotiable. But there are other situations that can make a person feel insecure, and you can see if there's room for flexibility.

How would you define a healthy relationship?

— The place where you can be yourself and express how you feel without being judged. And where there's a foundation of honesty and freedom.

And can a relationship be both healthy and painful?

— Yes, because we all have wounds or experiences that sometimes make us feel fear, insecurity, or pain. But sometimes, if we want to have healthy relationships, we must work through these feelings so we don't burden the other person with the wounds.

What makes a relationship become toxic?

— When there is suffering due to behaviors between people. Not the suffering of healing wounds or insecurities, but of generating even more insecurity or pain.

And can this be reversed?

— It's very difficult, because once dynamics are established, changing them is very complicated. It can be done with a lot, a lot, a lot of work.

He says that limits are love.

— Yes, because there must be that honesty to be able to tell the other person what we don't want or like. When we believe that love must be unconditional, that's when dangerous boundaries begin to be crossed. It's often the seed of abusive relationships or abuse of power.

And why do we have trouble putting them on?

— A very important part of this is our beliefs. Generations born before 2000 are emotionally illiterate. We didn't have an education that taught us how to identify what we feel, how to express it, and how to empathize with others. We're somewhat in the dark. And on the other hand, the education we've received about love—also in stories and Disney movies—is that it should be unconditional. So if we put them in, we believe we're selfish people.

So real love is not unconditional?

— Love can be super-real, but it must have limits. Because we all have a tendency to be accommodating or domineering. And when there are no limits, that's when power relations arise.

He says that young people are better emotionally.

— There's more emotional education. But it's also easy for it to go awry, and I think we're at a very important point.

Because?

— There's overlabeling. Young people now have all the information about what mental health is, about the factors that are stressful or distressing, and that's great. But we can't medicalize everything. And I'm afraid we're going from one extreme to the other. Before, everything was invalidation; a child would cry and be told, "Come on, snap out of it, it was nothing." Now, perhaps there's a tendency to always assign a name and diagnose. We must be careful.

Some say that all this has to do with a capitalist vision, of incessant navel-gazing.

— That's important. Because we shouldn't feel selfish when we set boundaries, because it's something that has to do with me. But we must understand that when others do it, it's not an attack. Others should also be able to express themselves. Otherwise, I would have written a book just to convert selfish people and narcissists.

And it's also okay to send someone to hell sometimes... but in an impolite way?

— There are times when it's okay, legitimate, and even necessary. Especially when we reach the point where disrespect or non-negotiable boundaries have been crossed. There are also times when you can say, "I'm going to fuck you off because enough is enough."