Voluntary celibacy: "Taking sex and relationships out of the center of your life is liberating"

"I'm tired." This is a phrase frequently heard in the office of Anna Sánchez Bendahan, a sexologist and couples therapist. This exhaustion has little to do with not getting enough sleep: "Many women are tired of relating in the same way, of seeing themselves in the same patterns, or of the same thing happening to them all the time with men," explains the expert, adding that "in response, women express that they need a break in their sexual relationships." This phenomenon, known as voluntary celibacy, is attracting more and more young women and is mostly not linked to religious reasons. Social media and the use of hashtags as celibacy either volcel –term that brings together the word voluntary (voluntary) and celibacy (celibacy)-, influencers and artists of the stature of Rosalía – who stated on the Radio Chica podcast of Radio Primavera Sound: "We no longer make room for crushesThat fantasy that leads nowhere is over. Right now, I... single, volcel"They have contributed to making the issue visible, since we can talk about it without taboos and give it a name. "It's part of a new way of referring to something that probably already existed, but that is now fashionable and that we have redefined," argues Sánchez Bendahan.

Social networks have already acted as witnesses that make experiences visible and validate them, and at the same time, they can offer community and help normalize dedicating time to self-knowledge and self-care. But, as Francisco Rivera, psychologist and clinical manager of the Unobravo platform, reminds us, "the format of the platforms tends to simplify complex phenomena," such as voluntary celibacy as a universal recipe or an identity positioning."

Like any complex social trend, the reasons that can explain its rise are multiple. On the one hand, the progressive detachment from patriarchal and normative structures and the acceptance of more relational models have helped to redefine the concept of '. "Since success is defined by each individual, not by the fact that you can maintain a relationship with a man over time." On the other hand, according to psychologist Rivera, the importance that new generations place on self-care has increased. "In recent years, young people are dedicating much more attention to their emotional well-being and personal boundaries," which can be experienced as a conscious pause. A period in which to stop, review past experiences, and better understand what is needed before starting new relationships."

"It gave me clarity about what I wanted"

It was precisely this practice of active listening that changed the type of relationships Mireia Roig, 23, had with men. She explains that when she started university, she had many romantic and sexual relationships with men. "But there came a point when I realized that it wasn't giving me anything; on the contrary, I needed some time for introspection and to focus on my mental health and self-esteem," she recounts. After a three-year period of voluntary celibacy, Roig looks back on that time positively and explains: "It gave me a lot of clarity about what I wanted and allowed me to create a much more solid foundation of love, identity, and self-respect." Although she now has a stable heterosexual partner, she admits that "if I could go back, I would make the same decision." "Isolating myself from romantic and sexual relationships helped me find the right person for me, the one I have by my side today," she argues.

In fact, as expert Sánchez Bendahan points out, "this decision to volcel "It doesn't come from women who have never been in a relationship, but from women who have maintained relationships over time, who have been on dating apps, or who have had several boyfriends and realize that they were seeking satisfaction through finding or maintaining a partner." Along these lines, journalist Chanté Joseph recently analyzed in an article published in British Vogue The social shift that has occurred in how romantic relationships are portrayed is significant, and, as he explains, for many women being with a man has become a kind of guilty pleasure.

Until not so long ago, having a boyfriend was synonymous with recognition and social prestige, but in the era of heteropessimism and the romanticization of singlehood, things have changed, and heterosexual couples no longer affirm each woman's femininity or are seen as a milestone. Being single no longer carries that negative connotation; it's a desirable status for many women, and in this context, according to psychologist Rivera, "voluntary celibacy thus becomes a way to regain control and prioritize one's own well-being. It's not a rejection of relationships, but an attempt to build a space where the person can feel heard and respected beforehand."

"Being okay with myself"

An exercise in introspection led 26-year-old Paloma Martínez to dedicate time to herself after ending an eight-year relationship. Although she explains that the relationship with her ex-partner wasn't toxic, growing and maturing together made her realize she didn't know herself well enough: "I was afraid of filling the voids I had with other people, and I decided I needed to be at peace with myself and discover who I was in order to have a healthy relationship again." Martínez affirms that this decision was "very conscious" and acknowledges: "Taking romantic love out of the center of your life is liberating; it's been a journey of self-discovery."

Although the concept volcel It's on the rise, and some women were already practicing it before it became a trend. This is the case of 28-year-old Andrea Llevería, who explains that "although I didn't know the concept until the Rosalía phenomenon, I had been practicing it for some time." She explains that her traditional values led her to distance herself from any emotional or sexual relationship: "I saw that my values and concepts of committed relationships, loyalty, commitment, and security weren't and still aren't present in society." This pause, she says, has given her freedom and consistency between her values and her actions. "Until someone comes along who shares my values and the same goal of a serious relationship and starting a family, I'm not going to allow any other kind of connection," she emphasizes. However, voluntary celibacy shouldn't be a rigid separation, but rather, as sexologist Sánchez Bendahan points out, "it's an opportunity to have more time to cultivate friendships, hobbies, or family ties." For this reason, experts agree that attention must be paid to the motivation behind a person's decision. "It can be risky if it stems more from fear or a sense of threat than from a genuine need for self-care," explains psychologist Rivera, noting that "too much isolation can increase loneliness or hinder the formation of protective relationships." However, gender-based violence remains a persistent scourge, and as evidenced by a recent large-scale survey from the Ministry of Equality, one in three women has experienced gender-based violence in her lifetime. Therefore, while the theory is clear and voluntary celibacy should be synonymous with empowerment, the reality is different. "When women become involved with men, we always assume a risk, and the truth is that some people choose voluntary celibacy for self-protection," the expert states.