The art of knowing how to communicate: "People don't understand each other by talking"

BarcelonaHow many times have we said something that was interpreted exactly the opposite of what we meant? How many times have we tried to build bridges with words and all we've done is build walls? Expressions like "we need to talk," often started with the best of intentions, have ended up creating epic disasters. And all because we haven't known how to communicate well.

It seems that communicating ideas and feelings is a basic tool of our species. We assume that we are capable of carrying them out successfully, but nothing could be further from the truth. Knowing how to communicate is an art that must be worked on. At least this is what psychologist Xavier Guix, author of the book I can't explain myself, and you don't understand me. (Harp, 2025).

"Words, what we say to each other, are not enough to understand a person's frame of reference," says Guix. In other words, each person constructs their reality through what they understand in their own mental circuit. "What seems normal and understandable to me does not mean that it is the same for the other, because the other understands it according to their mental map," he clarifies. And that is when misunderstandings and problems of interpretation begin, "because everyone considers that their version is the correct one."

If we add to this that we often don't say things as they are, but rather we try to say them "as we imagine or think we should say them depending on the relationship with the other person," this only creates even more confusion when it comes to communicating. "I always say that people don't understand each other by talking," he laughs. "To understand each other we need a resource, a personal effort to want to understand the other person, what their map is like and what they want to tell me. If I don't know how to understand them, then I will interpret them in my own way," he clarifies.

Another challenge when it comes to making ourselves understood is to keep in mind our non-verbal communication, which according to Guix represents 93% of our way of expressing ourselves. "In our evolutionary history, speech is the most modern part, and before it was gestures and sound expressions that gave information to others," he says. This has developed in humans a greater sensitivity to observation during communication. That is, how we show our face and how we modulate our voice are aspects that can make a difference when it comes to making ourselves understood. What if it turns out that we don't realize it but we are using an inappropriate tone of voice? "A person cannot hear themselves. They may think they are speaking normally and the interlocutor perceives that they are shouting too much. And the same happens with facial expressions. One may think they are making a normal face and the other sees that they are excited and their eyes are out of their sockets," compares Guix.

Relationship and message

Of course, sometimes there are relationships that, by their nature, tend to misunderstand each other. "But this is already a relationship problem, not a communication problem," says the psychologist, who believes it is essential to understand that all communication always has a double meaning: "There is a message, information that is directed to the content and another that is directed to the relationship, and both interfere." In other words, if you like someone, you may already accept what they tell you. But if you are not well, even if it is your partner, when it comes to communicating you will not let anything go, because the bond is already affected.

So how do we communicate effectively? Yeso is clear that to achieve this, we must resort to metacommunication. "We can only understand each other if we are able to talk about how we communicate," he says. In other words, the problem is not so much communication as the ability to talk about how we are using this communication. "If this necessary step is not taken, other tools such as assertiveness or empathy will be of no use," the psychologist continues.

Therefore, an essential step is to ask: "Not as if it were an interrogation, but soft and friendly questions to find out what the other person is interpreting, what they are understanding and how I am saying it," he clarifies. This is the only way we have to know how the other person is processing your information. "If we don't do this, all we do is assume, and this is already the beginning of misunderstandings," he continues.

Finally, Guix advises that, when communicating, we should give a lot of importance to the other person's response. "If we see that they are not responding as we expected, it means that communication is failing on our part. We must make sure that the other person has received the message that we wanted them to receive. If we do not achieve this, we should not blame the other person, but ask ourselves if we are really explaining ourselves well," he concludes.