Phubbing: the habit that can destroy your relationship

If you are or have been in a relationship, you have probably had the frustrating experience of realizing that, while you are chatting about something, your partner is staring intently at your phone. Although this gesture, dubbed as phubbing In English, it is seemingly benign, several recent investigations show that it can be an insidious habit. One study has related that couples who carry out this practice more frequently are less satisfied with their relationship, and another study of the year 2022 reveals that it can provoke feelings of distrust and ostracism. A recent research It has also been shown that people who do phubbing They are more likely to have their partner do it too, which creates a chain reaction of sorts.

"This practice can consist of a number of different behaviors, from looking at your phone in the middle of a conversation to checking it when a conversation gets a little stuck to always having your phone nearby," says Anthony Chambers, a couples and family psychologist and academic director of the Family Institute at Northwestern University. He also says the topic comes up among the couples he works with almost weekly.Phubbing It's a funny word, but it can really impact current relationships. Fortunately, for most couples it's a relatively easy problem to fix," says the expert. The following strategies can help.

Clearly establish some ground rules

To the extent possible, couples should agree on what they're willing to put up with, Chambers says. But Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the couples and family therapy program at the University of Nevada School of Medicine whose research has focused on the effect of technology on couples and families, says she's often surprised by how few couples — even those who met online — have clear rules.

Some initial questions Hertlein encourages couples to consider: What are the rules for when we talk to each other? When should the phone be present? When should we put it away? "I know this doesn't sound sexy, and people don't want to do it in their relationships, but it's the No. 1 strategy," Hertlein says. Chambers has had success helping couples establish phone-free zones, whether it's a specific room in the house where phones are off-limits, or a period of time when devices must be put away.

Partners should set boundaries together: No phones in the bedroom? Or at mealtimes? (Research has found that when our phones are on the table, we tend to feel more distracted and less socially engaged.) Setting light consequences for breaking the rules can also help, Chambers says. For example, whoever uses their phone at dinner is encouraged to invite the other over for lunch the next day or do the dishes afterward.

She also encourages couples to monitor notifications: "They can be a big trigger," she says. "You hear the sound or the vibration, and you're kind of trained to pick up your phone and say, 'Hey, what's this, what's going on? '"

If this habit bothers you, speak up.

It's obvious, right? But Chambers often works with couples where this practice has simmered until it's become a serious problem. One partner may feel that the other is spending time on their phone instead of helping with the kids or household chores, or that they find work emails or news more interesting than family issues. Chambers has worked with many clients who admit to having no idea of the distress their behaviors were causing until the therapy session. "When you start to identify those feelings of being hurt or frustrated, that's when you need to communicate that to your partner," she says.

Explain what you're doing

Everyone can be annoyed when someone looks at their phone when they're talking to them because it's simply rude. But in the context of a romantic relationship, it can add layers of hurt, "especially if one partner feels they have to compete for the other's attention," Hertlein says. "The important thing to remember is that it's often what your partner perceives that's creating anxiety and creating the problem," she says. "For example, I perceive that you're engaging with other people and excluding me." Hertlein notes that people tend to put their phones face down and then just pick them up for a few seconds, then put them back down, which can seem unintentionally suspicious.

"That's why it can be helpful to explain what you do when you're using your phone in front of your partner," she says. "If you're checking a bill or responding to a work email, tell your partner."

"Communication is the key to overcoming "phubbing", Chambers stresses. "I can't stress enough the importance of letting your partner know how you feel," she says. "Once you understand that and you're clear on that, you can really start to feel the boost in relationship satisfaction."

5 Habits to Stop Looking at Your Phone So Much

• Turn off notifications. Images, sounds and vibrations are an irresistible call.
• Archive chats. The ability to archive chats from messaging apps like WhatsApp and Telegram means they won't even appear when you log into the app.
• Avoid taking your charger with you. When you go on a trip or leave the house, this can help you reduce phone usage to avoid running out of battery. You can even put it in airplane mode and only turn it on at specific times.
• Stay away from your cell phone. You don't need to carry it around with you while you're at home reading or doing something else. It's a good idea to leave it outside your bedroom at night so you don't look at it before going to bed or when you get up.
• Find a traditional clock. Use it as an alarm clock and to check the time during the day. You'll avoid looking at the screen to know what time of day it is.