Why can't my son hear?

BarcelonaIn 2022, Daniel A. Abrams, professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, published in The Journal of Neuroscience Research on what happens in the brains of boys and girls at age thirteen shows that the neural centers involved in feelings of reward stop activating when they hear their mother's voice. Conversely, when they hear unfamiliar voices, the neural networks associated with pleasant sensations are activated. Therefore, when parents believe their children aren't listening to them, it's not just a guess; science has shown that they most likely aren't.

What can we do to make them listen to us?

Depending on the children's age, communication should take one form or another. Alba CastellvíA family advisor, educator, and sociologist, she differentiates the reasons why children don't listen: when they are younger, it's due to their attention span, and when they are older, it's because they need to focus more on their own.

Between the ages of three and six, it's essential to be specific; messages should be brief and use simple language. You don't always have to justify why you say what you say, nor do you have to expect them to agree. "Giving them too many explanations can be counterproductive; they get lost in the noise. You can't expect young children to make choices about things that are for adults," Castellví reminds us. It's better to state decisions than to propose solutions or start debates, and parents shouldn't feel guilty for not letting them choose. When parents realize they're about to lose patience, it can help to say, "We've talked about that enough; we'll come back to it another time." This helps avoid the typical "You're doing it because I said so."

As children grow older, they need to gradually detach themselves from the influence of their family of origin to facilitate openness towards other people: "They don't listen because they are creating their own universe. They are convinced that they have already received these messages from their parents, they know what they are told and it sounds redundant to them. They are much more interested in what others can tell them."

How to capture the attention of teenagers

To capture their attention and get them to listen, it helps to change the format and the space: talking outside the home, having a conversation while doing a shared activity—eating together or walking from one place to another—works better than doing it at home, sitting across from each other. "If we also want them to listen to us, it's important to be coherent and consistent. That way, when similar situations arise, they'll be more attentive," suggests Castellví. A practical example could be if the child is supposed to set the table and doesn't, they are warned, without yelling, complaining, or getting angry, that they must do it because otherwise, we will have to. If they continue to ignore it, when they go to dinner, they'll find themselves without a plate and without dinner. "I believe in saying things once, and if they don't do them, they'll face the consequences of their decision. Repeating things is tiring for everyone," she says.

It's also important to avoid the adult positioning themselves as the all-knowing one. It's preferable for them to show interest in what the other person knows and thinks, and to ask for their opinion. "They'll listen to us more if we're able to be more receivers than transmitters," the educator reminds us. Conversations with lecturing parents are also ineffective; this attitude only makes children shut down.

If we want them to listen to us and pay attention.

With the youngest children, between three and six years old, the technique of asking them what we've told them or what they have to do works well. When they repeat it, it's as if they're programming themselves for it. From seven years old until pre-adolescence, they can be allowed to choose some aspect of the task they have to carry out: starting by setting the table or taking a shower, or choosing the tablecloth they want to use. From eleven or twelve years old, it usually helps to explain the reasons why they need to do one thing or another: "They tend to empathize when you tell them how you feel, if things are going a certain way. It works to talk about your needs and the reasons related to your well-being," concludes Castellví.