"It's like questioning my ability to be a grandmother."

BarcelonaThe birth of Carla (45) and Jordi's (44) first child put a significant strain on the relationship between the couple and his mother: "Especially during the postpartum period, her lack of empathy and her desire for prominence was incredible. I didn't understand this absurd power struggle and felt it was a lack of respect." Now that Martí is 9 years old and is no longer the only clean one, the situation has eased, although some conflicts still remain. At first, Martí's mother-in-law didn't respect any of the rules that were important to Martí's parents: "She knew we didn't want him to have sugar and at 4 months old she was already giving him a croissant, she skipped sleep guidelines, if we told her he had just fallen asleep she wouldn't stop until the baby opened his eyes..." It was a challenge!

If the in-laws' values don't match our own, it's essential to maintain close communication with the person who takes care of the grandchildren, which is still often the grandmother. If parents-in-laws tend to be overly involved and always have their say, it's up to the children to set limits: "You can thank them for sharing their opinions and remind them that they will decide how their children will be raised, and that they should let them do it their way, because they already decided how they would be mothers and fathers," suggests the psychologist.

When there are disagreements

Carla has always felt supported, having the support of Jordi and even their siblings, who felt their mother should change her behavior. Disagreements with the in-laws can pose a risk to the couple, especially if both members don't work together or support each other. When one partner perceives that there are things about the in-laws they don't like, the ideal is to have the space and trust necessary to talk about it without getting angry. "It's not always easy. Sometimes we have a sensitivity as children that we don't have as young people or sons-in-law, and we accept certain things because we've seen them all our lives and have found strategies to avoid them," says Elena Gómez Enguix, psychologist and couples and family therapist at the Balmes Centre in Barcelona. Relationships may come from families of origin with different functionings, and these differences may surprise or disconcert the other person.

Even so, if the son or daughter takes a more forgiving stance and downplays disagreements with their parents, they may not want to take sides with either parent, but this will likely end up being a source of recriminations and resentment for the couple. "Differences arise. That's why it's important for the couple to listen and talk to each other, and thus prevent it from becoming a problem," recommends the psychologist.

Diversity enriches

"When I met my husband Xavi's (42) family, they surprised me a lot. He doesn't fit in at all with the rest, who are quite posh people and right-wing…”, explains Marta (39). Her children are now 9, 7 and 6 years old, but when they were very young Xavi’s mother always had something to say and at the beginning of the postpartum period she would show up at their house every day. She comments that, luckily, as they have been born cleaner she has been diversifying her diversity.

How do we explain to children that their grandparents have different principles and rules than those at home? When faced with differences in opinion, there are possible strategies for communicating them, ranging from a more avoidant approach, when they become a taboo, uncomfortable topic and aren't discussed, to a more aggressive approach, telling them openly and without filters what we think about their grandparents and their principles. What Gómez Enguix proposes is to be assertive, asking children what they think about what their grandparents have said: "Children are building their own belief system; it's good to establish a dialogue, ask their opinions, and reflect together as a family, seeing how they integrate this diversity of models and the personal opinions they are developing." She explains that diversity is enriching as long as there is a framework of trust, and that differences don't seem threatening or make anyone feel bad. She understands that these discrepancies can be tolerated if they are more of a source of enrichment than of stress and conflict, when, even if they aren't perfect, there are things that make up for it.

Marta admits that she struggles with the fact that her in-laws are so right-wing and sexist, and that the invasive behavior bothers her. It's not a source of conflict because both Xavi and she agree on what they want and don't like what his parents are doing, but above all, it wears her down. She emphasizes what can be tolerated in exceptional cases and what we absolutely don't tolerate. "If you explain to grandparents why it's important to their parents, they usually respect it, unless they are manipulative, very capricious, or controlling," Vilaseca points out.

The role of grandparents

Maria Rosa (66) is surprised by her daughter's attitude towards raising the girls. "I understand that 34 years have passed since she was born and now there are more ways of doing things and thinking, but sometimes I think she's exaggerated. Thank goodness it happened to me with my daughter and not my son-in-law, since it would have been more complicated," says Maria Rosa, who remembers that when her eldest granddaughter was two years old she gave her the brown cookie. Despite not having had any major clashes, she admits that sometimes she feels bad about these comments: "It's as if they were questioning my ability to be a grandmother and how I was a mother to her when she was little, and I wasn't that bad at it either," she says.

Psychologist Mireia Vilaseca comments that being a grandparent is an opportunity to relive motherhood and learn from it, and their children should keep this in mind. Parents should be part of the same team, following the same values, although they are allowed some concessions. These are certain liberties that parents normally cannot afford.

Grandparents are often a great resource for logistical support and for time away from children, helping them reconnect as a couple and reduce stress. And grandparents are generally cooperative and responsible, so it can be overlooked. However, if the feeling is that they are just doing their own thing, not responding to their partner's requests, and doing so repeatedly, causing discomfort to the couple, it would be worth talking to the grandparents to remind them of the couple's needs and also assess whether they can incorporate new needs, such as frequency of contact.

Ideally, the couple should decide together what to do and share their own opinions. Exceptions can be made if it's not something particularly serious. The couple should decide whether they both speak to their grandparents, although if it must be an excessively tense conversation, it's better for the son or daughter to do so. "This protects the relationship between the couple and the in-laws. And the son or daughter should inform the parents of what they have agreed upon as a couple," Gómez Enguix points out.