Marimer Pérez: "I've even been told that I'll never know true love because I'm not a mother."

BarcelonaGynecologist and obstetrician Marimer Pérez has been supporting women for over twenty years during one of the most intense and transformative moments in life: childbirth. With a respectful and humane perspective on motherhood, Pérez—also founder of the women's health center WoMer—has just published You don't let me go (Lunwerg, 2025), a book in which he collects real stories experienced throughout his professional career as an obstetrician.

You say that obstetrics is the art of waiting and patience.

— The word obstare Latin meaning "to wait." Everything in life requires patience and waiting, but we live in a world where we're used to immediacy, to clicking a button and getting everything right away. I often meet exhausted mothers who want everything to be over quickly. But to give birth well, sometimes you have to stop and wait. Birth can't be forced: it has its own tempo.

There are many women who live their months of pregnancy with added stress from doing yoga, pelvic floor massages, and a long list of activities. Is it really necessary?

— Women have been pregnant, giving birth, and raising children since ancient times. When a patient asks me what they should do during pregnancy, my answer is always the same: live. Obviously, I recommend that they move and exercise, but just as I would with anyone else. Pregnancy doesn't need to become an endless list of duties. And when it comes time to give birth, it's not essential to have extensive prior knowledge. What's really needed is to trust something we all carry within us: instinct and common sense.

There is also a lot of guilt when a birth has not been natural or how it was expected to be.

— It's essential to educate mothers about the fact that childbirth can't always go smoothly. I always tell mothers that I don't just have them as patients, but also their baby, who doesn't speak and can't give their opinion beyond what we see on the screen. That's why it's so important to approach labor with an open and flexible mind, keeping in mind that different scenarios can happen and nothing will happen. The important thing, in the end, is that the woman is heard and respected throughout the entire process.

In the book you talk a lot about the importance of midwives during childbirth.

— In the end, the midwives are the ones who spend the most time with the woman in the delivery room. Having a good relationship with them is essential. I always inform them of what I want to do and often ask them what they think would be best in each situation. This collaboration, this mutual respect, is a major change in the way we work, and I think it's here to stay.

You say that during childbirth, a unique microcosm is created between the obstetrician, the midwives, and the mother. What role does the partner or companion play in all this?

— It's transcendental, because he's the person who knows that woman best. Childbirth is an experience that lasts many hours, combining exhaustion with intense emotions. For me, there's no better soundtrack than that of a couple, or a woman going into labor with her best friend, and while I'm performing a C-section, they chat convivially about their lives.

Speaking of soundtracks, in the book you explain that you let your patients play music to calm them down during labor.

— Yes, especially when we know it's going to be a C-section. I don't like them to experience it as a "second birth." That's why I try to break the cold atmosphere of the operating room and encourage them to bring music they like, songs that make them feel safe. This way, we can create a more familiar, closer space, almost like being at home. It's a small gesture, but it can make a huge emotional difference.

How do you deal with a birth that you know isn't going well?

— With a lot of dialogue. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that, to ensure a patient doesn't have a bad birth experience, it's very important to explain everything that's happening to them. Ultimately, they need to know the information just like it would in any other process.

Once the delivery is over, what's the first thing you do?

— For me, it's essential to bring closure to this microcosm that has formed over a few hours, and I do this by hugging the mother and the companion, who is usually a wreck, all emotional. I need to do this to get everything I've experienced out of the way, and so, when I take off my gown, I'm back to being Marimer, when she's not an obstetrician.

You emphasize a lot in the book that your passion for work has involved making many personal sacrifices. One of them is not having children. You've experienced hundreds of births, how did you cope?

— When I was young, those kinds of comments affected me much more. We should never judge a woman who doesn't have children, because some want them and can't. You might be asking a woman if she wants to have children, and at that moment, she's wearing a sanitary napkin because she's having an abortion. It's also possible that the idea that happiness only depends on having children is so socially imposed. I've even been told that I'll never know true love because I'm not a mother. You can't go through life making these statements, nor should a woman be constantly justifying herself.

And for those who are about to give birth, what advice would you give them?

— I would also tell them to trust themselves and the healthcare staff, and to express their concerns. I would also tell them to be empathetic, just as they want us to show them empathy. This advice is especially important in public health centers, where we sometimes can't cope and dialogue is essential. I would remind them that women have always been able to give birth, and that they don't need to go in with a fixed idea of what it will be like, because it will probably be different, but also wonderful. And finally, I would tell them to enjoy it. How many more times will that moment be repeated in their lives? Since they don't know, they should take advantage of it to enjoy it to the fullest.