Siblings with a large age gap: how to build the relationship?

The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends allowing at least three years between pregnancies to favor the woman's physical and emotional recovery between both gestations, and various scientific studies state that the ideal age gap between siblings would be between 1 and 4 years. However, as we know: theory is one thing, and practice is something quite different. Just ask Laura and Joan, a blended family where he brought a daughter, Emma, who in January, at 13 years old, became the big sister to the couple's first child together, Agnès. The age gap, however, was not the main headache for both parents when considering expanding the family, and for Laura, the worry was “thinking that Emma had grown up until then as an only child and not knowing if having siblings would really excite her”. Joan, on the other hand, was worried about not knowing what his eldest daughter's reaction would be, as well as “the uncertainty of knowing if she would accept her as a sister in every respect even if they did not have the same mother”.

Possibilities for a very non-coincident upbringing

Each family, depending on their habits and lifestyle, can make different decisions regarding the time to have children. “There are no established rules, luckily, but it is a reality that when ages are close there is more complicity and more connections in the realm of developmental thinking,” notes pedagogue Àngels Mayor. The teacher at Gravi school also qualifies, however, that when the difference is very large, there may be a “very non-coincident upbringing, almost like two only children, since they may be in very distant stages of their physical and mental development.”

Regardless of the age difference, Mayor emphasizes that the relationship will continue to provide all the benefits of having siblings, such as “having more social skills, more situations of sharing, arguing, and seeking solutions to disagreements.” When ages are further apart, she points out, they may not have the same interests, “but the fact of sharing the same home and family will foster interpersonal bonds of respect and the complicity of belonging to the same group.” In turn, the pedagogue adds, the lessons of good communication, emotion management, and patience will be worked on from a very young age, “by observing older siblings.” Since, she points out, the little ones “will possibly have the adults and the older sibling as a reference model.”

Less direct rivalry

The fact of being part of a blended family, as in the case of Laura and Joan, but also other factors, such as the fact that nowadays the age of fatherhood and motherhood is delayed and that families are not usually as large as before, explain why siblings sometimes have a significant age gap between them. When the age difference between siblings is very large, the relationship tends to have its own dynamic. Psychologist Silvia Guillamón highlights that it is neither better nor worse than that of siblings closer in age, "but simply responds to different needs and developmental stages." The director of the L'Arbre center explains that, often, there is less direct rivalry, because each child experiences different interests, spaces, and life moments, which "can reduce comparisons and jealousy, and favor the older sibling becoming a figure of reference and emotional support for the younger one."

"The main challenge –continues Guillamón– lies in the fact that the differences in rhythm and interests can hinder complicity during childhood and adolescence." Even so, she points out, from family psychology "we know that the quality of the relationship does not depend so much on the years of difference as on the family climate, well-defined roles, and the opportunities that the family offers for siblings to build their own bond." These opportunities, in the case of Emma and Agnès, were already promoted since the pregnancy of the younger one, when Joan, for example, explained to his older daughter that having a sibling was a very important thing because "it is a member of the family who accompanies you throughout your life, who can support you, can help you, and with whom to experience events together."

The importance of preserving roles

Despite the difference in developmental stages and interests, parents can foster a fluid relationship between two or more siblings. The first step, however, must be to accept that the relationship will not be the same as that of siblings who are close in age. According to Guillamón, "there is no need to force anything, neither that they share the same hobbies nor that they spend a lot of time together, because each one is in a different evolutionary stage." The key, for the psychologist, is to "create opportunities for meeting adapted to each person's age," such as meals, excursions, or family traditions, and to favor "small situations of cooperation, in which the older sibling can teach some skill, share an experience, or participate in a joint project with the younger one." However, Guillamón points out, this help must be "punctual and voluntary, without the older sibling assuming a parental role that could end up generating emotional overload, a feeling of injustice, or the sensation of having to grow up before their time.

This is the approach that Laura and Joan have followed since the arrival of Agnès. Regarding the care of the little one, both have let Emma decide for herself how involved she wants to be. During these first few months, the father explains, they have let her experience for herself “first what it was like to have a baby at home and, later, to choose what she felt like doing, without any kind of obligation”. A willingness that, even though Agnès is still very small, has already borne fruit. Laura recalls how, although at first it was a little harder for things to work out, “with the passage of time and the fact that Agnès is doing more things, Emma has become more involved and enthusiastic”, an opinion that Joan corroborates, while stating that, “as the months go by, you can see that there is an increasingly stronger bond between the two”. A bond that Laura, in turn, describes as “fun and tender, although it is still very incipient”. However, both celebrate that Emma has even offered to babysit for them on occasion and to pick up her sister from daycare.

Respecting the pace of the relationship

It is also important to respect the pace of the relationship. “Complicity does not always appear during childhood,” points out Guillamón, “and in many cases it is in adulthood when these siblings end up developing a very solid bond.” It should also be taken into account that when there is a large age difference, conflicts usually do not arise from competition, but from the roles each one occupies within the family. Because, as the psychologist explains, “the older sibling may feel that they have lost exclusivity or that they are always required to be responsible and set an example, and, on the other hand, the younger one may live in the shadow of the older one, feeling compared or infantilized.”

It is also common for tensions to arise when the older sibling tries to exert authority over the younger one. For this reason, Guillamón insists on the importance of parents clearly preserving roles: authority belongs to adults, not siblings. It is also up to parents to validate the siblings' emotions without labeling them as ‘the responsible one’ or ‘the baby of the house’. When children feel they can express what is happening to them without getting trapped in a role, insists Guillamón, “it is easier for the relationship to evolve in a healthy way”. And she warns, because occasional conflicts are normal, the most important thing, she emphasizes, “is to avoid comparisons and responsibilities that do not correspond to the children, because that is how siblings can build a relationship based on affection, respect, and complicity”.