Siblings with a large age gap: how to build the relationship?

The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends allowing at least three years between one pregnancy and another to favor the physical and emotional recovery of the woman between both gestations, and several scientific studies state that the ideal age gap between siblings would be between 1 and 4 years. However, as we know: theory is one thing, and practice is something quite different. Just ask Laura and Joan, a blended family where he brought a daughter, Emma, who in January, at 13 years old, became the big sister to the couple's first child together, Agnès. The age gap, however, was not the main headache for both parents when considering expanding the family; for Laura, the concern was “thinking that Emma had grown up until then as an only child and not knowing if having siblings would really make her happy.” Joan, on the other hand, was worried about not knowing what his eldest daughter's reaction would be, as well as “the uncertainty of knowing if she would accept her for all intents and purposes as a sister even if they did not have the same mother.”

Possibilities for a very uncoincident upbringing

Every family, depending on their habits and lifestyle, can make different decisions regarding when to have children. "There are no established rules, fortunately, but it is a reality that when ages are close there is more complicity and more connections in terms of evolutionary thought," points out pedagogue Àngels Mayor. The teacher at Gravi school also qualifies, however, that when the difference is very large, there may be a "very little coincident upbringing, almost like two only children, since they can be at very distant stages of their physical and mental development."

Regardless of the age difference, Mayor emphasizes that the relationship will continue to provide all the benefits of having siblings, such as "having more social skills, more situations of sharing, arguing, and seeking solutions to disagreements." When ages are further apart, she points out, they may not have the same interests, "but the fact of sharing the same home and family will foster bonds of interpersonal respect and the complicity of belonging to the same group." In turn, the pedagogue adds, the learnings of good communication, emotion management, and patience will be worked on from a very young age, "observing the older siblings." Since, she notes, the little ones "will possibly have the adults and the older sibling as a reference model."

Less direct rivalry

The fact of being part of a blended family, as in the case of Laura and Joan, but also other factors, such as the fact that today the age of fatherhood and motherhood is being delayed and that families are not usually as large as before, explain why siblings sometimes have a significant age gap between them. When the age difference between siblings is very large, the relationship tends to have its own dynamic. Psychologist Silvia Guillamón highlights that it is neither better nor worse than that of siblings closer in age, "but rather that it simply responds to different needs and developmental stages." The director of the L'Arbre center explains that, often, there is less direct rivalry, because each child experiences different interests, spaces, and life moments, which "can reduce comparisons and jealousy, and encourage the older sibling to become a figure of reference and emotional support for the younger one."

"The main challenge –continues Guillamón– lies in the fact that differences in pace and interests can hinder complicity during childhood and adolescence." However, she points out, from the perspective of family psychology "we know that the quality of the relationship does not depend so much on the years of difference as on the family climate, well-defined roles, and the opportunities that the family offers for siblings to build their own bond." These opportunities, in the case of Emma and Agnès, were already promoted since the pregnancy of the youngest, when Joan, for example, explained to his eldest daughter that having a sibling was a very important thing because "it is a member of the family who accompanies you throughout your life, who can support you, can help you, and with whom you can experience events together."

The importance of preserving roles

Despite the difference in developmental stages and interests, parents can foster a fluid relationship between two or more siblings. The first step, however, must be to accept that the relationship will not be the same as that of siblings who are close in age. According to Guillamón, "there is no need to force anything, neither that they share the same hobbies nor that they spend a lot of time together, because each one is in a different evolutionary stage." The key, for the psychologist, is to "create meeting opportunities adapted to each person's age," such as meals, excursions, or family traditions, and to favor "small situations of cooperation, in which the older sibling can teach some skill, share an experience, or participate in a joint project with the younger one." However, Guillamón points out, this help must be "punctual and voluntary, without the older sibling assuming a parental role that could end up generating emotional overload, a feeling of injustice, or the sensation of having to grow up too soon."

This is the tone that Laura and Joan have followed since Agnès's arrival. Regarding the care of the little one, both have let Emma decide for herself how involved she wants to be. During these first few months, the father explains, they have let her experience for herself “first what it was like to have a baby at home and, then, choose what she felt like doing, without any obligation.” A voluntary approach that, although Agnès is still very small, has already borne fruit. Laura remembers how, although at the beginning it was a little harder for things to work out, “with the passage of time and the fact that Agnès does more things, Emma has gradually become more involved and enthusiastic,” an opinion that Joan corroborates, while stating that, “as the months go by, you can notice that there is an increasingly stronger bond between the two.” A bond that Laura, in turn, describes as “fun and tender, although it is still very incipient.” However, both celebrate that Emma has even already offered to babysit for them one day and pick up her sister from daycare.

Respecting the pace of the relationship

It is also important to respect the pace of the relationship. “Complicity does not always appear during childhood —points out Guillamón—, and in many cases it is in adulthood when these siblings end up developing a very solid bond”. It should also be taken into account that when there is a large age difference, conflicts do not usually arise from competition, but from the roles that each person occupies within the family. Because, as the psychologist explains, “the older sibling may feel that they have lost their exclusivity or that they are always required to be responsible and set an example, and, on the other hand, the younger one may live in the shadow of the older one, feel compared or infantilized”.

It is also common for tensions to arise when the older sibling tries to exert authority over the younger one. For this reason, Guillamón insists on the importance of parents clearly preserving roles: authority belongs to the adults, not the siblings. It is also up to the parents to validate the siblings' emotions without labeling them as 'the responsible one' or 'the baby of the house'. When children feel they can express what is happening to them without getting trapped in a role, insists Guillamón, "it is easier for the relationship to evolve in a healthy way". And he warns, because occasional conflicts are normal, the most important thing, he stresses, "is to avoid comparisons and responsibilities that do not correspond to the children, because this is how siblings can build a relationship based on affection, respect and complicity".