My life in a foster family

Barcelona"When I arrived with the foster family, everything was new. I had much more freedom, I could do many more things than in a center. Being taken in was like a gift, I will always say that," explains Laura Frau, a foster child for 12 years. Her biological family couldn't take her, so at the age of 6, social services referred her to a foster home run by the General Directorate for Child and Adolescent Care (DGAIA), an agency of the Generalitat (Catalan government) responsible for caring for minors who lack family members.

In Catalonia, the total number of children in care is 8,867. Of these, 59% live in centers or residences, while 41% live with extended families (grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc.) or foster families. However, only 908 children live in foster care, meaning only 10% of all children in care have been placed with a family not biologically related to them.

Children may enter foster care for a variety of reasons, from not having basic needs met, such as having a home, access to adequate education, or receiving emotional support, to serious situations of neglect, abuse, addiction, or serious mental health problems.

A home that changes everything

Laura lived in two different centers, in Tarragona and then in Reus, between the ages of six and eight, until she found her foster family at eight. "I got to know them little by little. First at the center, to see what they were like. I met them more often, to have ice cream or go for a walk. Later, at their house, sometimes for lunch, until there came a time when I had a really good relationship with them, especially with my siblings, and I wanted to stay," Laura says. Today, she's 20 years old and still lives with them.

She was very young when she was removed from her biological family and, therefore, has few memories of that time. But the fact that a child is removed from their immediate family and begins to live in a center, or with a new family, is a sudden structural change that has a great emotional and stressful impact. "The traumatic experience, both prior and the experience of withdrawal itself, involves direct damage to the child's attachment system, to the bond, to their self-esteem and self-concept. A moment of biographical rupture is created that generates feelings of enormous discontinuity and emotional emptiness," warns Yvette Xufré, (Ipside).

Laura's was a permanent foster home; from the beginning, social services assumed it would be long-term. "They told me I could only return to my biological family if there was a significant improvement, but that was highly unlikely," she recalls. "In this type of permanent foster home, it is already clear that the child will not be able, for whatever reason, to return to their family of origin, and therefore this foster home normally lasts until they reach the age of majority," explains Xufré. However, not all foster homes are the same; there are urgent and emergency, simple and permanent ones, like Laura's, and they are assessed based on each child's case. There are also specialized foster care and holiday and weekend care. Depending on the child's characteristics and the type of care, monthly financial aid for families or foster parents.

More than welcoming, help create a bond

"They call you and tell you that you have to be there in two hours, that there's a baby, and you don't know if it's a boy or a girl, or how much they weigh. And you leave with a hospital bag, three sizes of clothes and two sizes of diapers," says Neus, an emergency foster mother. This type of foster care is for children between 0 and 2 years old. They are usually babies who have recently been abandoned and don't yet have any protective measures. "It's a foster care that should last a maximum of six months, and the teams work to see if the measure requires returning them to their family, if a foster family is needed, or if they can go with their extended family, because there are grandparents, aunts, or siblings who can take care of the child," Lledós explains about this type of foster care.

"Two were hospital withdrawals, one was a hospital withdrawal—you have a three- or four-day-old baby—and the last was five months old and was withdrawn by the Mossos d'Esquadra (Catalan police). These are very tough situations," she recalls. Being an emergency family requires high availability, and only one person can do so. "Some situations are extremely difficult. In one of the first foster care placements, a baby arrived in the throes of withdrawal symptoms; she cried desperately all day and all night for two weeks. She wouldn't calm down at all until she began to stabilize," she recalls.

Growing up in a family transforms

"When they're in families, these children learn to bond. That is, when they leave your home, they leave with a connection made. And although it's traumatic for them, it allows them to reconnect with another family in the long run, any family—biological, foster, adoptive, it doesn't matter." But they've already got the connection. The 0- to 2-year-old stage is critical for a child to create a secure bond that allows them to develop trust, autonomy, and emotional regulation.

Simple interactions such as hugs, quick attention, or sharing games and routines build the foundations for healthy emotional, social, and cognitive development. "The foster family has a restorative function; it gives this child the opportunity to live a different experience at the level of bonding, such as the possibility of living in a safe, stable environment, where there are emotionally available adults and where they feel unique and special," explains the psychologist.

"Those who do not go through families do not have that connection and are usually failed adoptions because they do not know what bonding is," explains Neus. According to René Spitz's observations with institutionalized children and subsequent studies by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, a lack of emotional bonding or inconsistent bonding can generate insecure bonds with consequences for self-esteem, emotional regulation, and future development. "Having it means improving their own self-concept, their self-esteem, and at the level of bonding, experiencing healthier dynamics than those they have had," explains Xufré.

The fact is that emotional bonding and attention are as essential as food or hygiene in child development. A research project by the UAB and the DGAIA It showed that children in foster families were happier (92%) and more studious (82%) compared to children in sheltered centers.

For Neus, her role is clear: "You have to be very aware of your role, you're like a firefighter, you put out a fire and leave, you don't stay to rebuild the house that's burned down."

Between two lives: grief and uncertainty

In the case of Josep and Silvia, aged 48 and 44, respectively, they considered becoming foster parents. Less than a year after starting the process, they had 3-year-old Lucía at home, which is currently a simple foster home. "Lucía arrived after being with an emergency family and has now been with us for four years," the couple explains. Simple foster care is typically offered to children aged one year and older, with the possibility of them returning to their biological family. "It's a foster home that is worked on with the child's family of origin to allow for this return. In these cases, maintaining the bond with the blood family is achieved with visits every two weeks," explains the ICAA director.

Specifically, visits with biological families are an emotional upheaval for these children. "Lucia experiences it that way. After the visit, we suffer the consequences. Everything is shaken up for her, and there are days when things have gone well because she spends time with her older brother and others when they haven't. There are days when she returns and it would have been better not to have gone, but it has to be done," Josep and Silvia explain. "It's difficult for the foster family to sustain it because they often feel like all the work they're doing to restore some of this child's emotional stability and to provide him with that safe environment is destroyed, and they have to start all over again," the psychologist adds. On the other hand, biological families can also experience it from that frustration or helplessness.

"It was hard to face it. The moment you go on the visit, it's like you remember you have two different lives. When it ended, I was almost gone, and they were quite upset because the difference between the two lives was so noticeable," Laura says of her experience. Sometimes these visits make children more irritable, more defiant, angry, or more insecure, a complex situation on an emotional level.

"For the child, it's like being between two very different worlds and not being able to thrive in either because it implies a betrayal of the other. It's complicated: there's a conflict of loyalty and a sense of betrayal between the person who gave them life but can't take care of themselves, and between those who are providing them with routines and stability." "They have an inner conflict; you can tell they're carrying a heavy burden, but in the end, since the goal is for them to return to their biological family, having contact with them makes it less painful if they have to return," Josep and Silvia explain. According to the psychologist, although integrating these two lives can be complicated, it is necessary to avoid completely breaking away from one's own identity.

If biological families undergo a process of improvement and stability, they can request that guardianship of that child be returned to them, and this situation can mean living with the uncertainty of the children and their families. "I was afraid to think that they could return me to my biological family or imagine that I would have to leave. I would have had a terrible time because I was doing very well," explains Laura. In Lucía's case, as she was a child in simple foster care, she could be claimed by her biological family, provided that the family's improvement process had been assessed by the DGAIA.

Faced with this possibility, her foster parents try not to think about it: "We try to live day by day because if not, it's a significant emotional drain, you have to mentally prepare yourself, but, nevertheless, you think about the future and it's inevitable, even if they've prepared you. There are days when you don't, you think." "The feeling of little control over their lives and the anxiety that comes with living without knowing what will become of you and without being able to choose what will happen to you are what has the greatest emotional impact on children," the psychologist says.

More foster families, fewer minors growing in centers

"The fact that you don't live with your biological family and are in a center doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're difficult to love and foster. Often, people back out because they think it might cause problems or not work out," Laura reflects. This social stigma and lack of awareness make it difficult for more families to take on foster care. Recently, Regional Minister Mònica Martínez Bravo stated that the number of foster families needed to double to relieve congestion in youth centers.

In Catalonia, today, there are 798 foster families in various forms, caring for 908 children, according to data provided by the Catalan Institute for Fostering and Adoption (ICAA). But the number of minors in care far exceeds 8,867 children. "If necessary, we would host again. It's been a blast, a gift. Despite all the good and bad, we would definitely do it again," Josep and Silvia explain.

Let them wait for the families, not the children.

Of the nearly 9,000 children under the protection of the Generalitat (Catalan Government), the situation is especially difficult for those under six years old: 263 children live in centers. "This should be the last resort because, by law, they should live with a family," explains Elena Lledós, director of the organization. Along these lines, the regional minister insisted a few days ago on the need to double the number of foster families, reaching 1,400, precisely to prevent children under six from living in centers. "I would like to have between 300 and 400 more families. We would like that if there is a waiting list, it is the families who wait, not the children," explains Lledós. Currently, there are 798 active foster families in Catalonia, a figure that represents only 9% of the total number of minors in care, which highlights the urgent need to increase their number to reduce the burden on residential centers and guarantee family environments for children in need.

Furthermore, the older the children, the less likely they are to be fostered. "It's true that families sometimes feel they can contribute more or that they'll know how to help a younger child. Older children have heavier burdens, perhaps more complicated emotional situations, and it's always more difficult," Lledós reflects. One existing form of fostering for older children is through foster families, who take in children in centers during the weekends and summer holidays. In Catalonia, there are 129 families in this category. There is also what is known as cohabitation fostering, which involves fostering groups of siblings or children with special needs, requiring families to have knowledge or training in childhood or adolescence.

"There are many people who still don't know what foster care is. One of the opportunities we have is to spread the culture of foster care as much as possible," says Lledós, who believes the main obstacle is that, while adoption is known, foster care is still relatively unknown. "If foster care goes badly, it's not a big deal; it's just a matter of trying. But it's an opportunity. You're giving that person a second life. Thanks to my family, I'm where I am, at university, passing everything. It's the opportunity to develop properly, because growing up in a center isn't the same as growing up with a family," Laura concludes.