Meritxell Benedí Altés: "Motherhood is too individual, and that is horrible"
Historian, writer and mother of Martina and Jana, 17 and 15 years old. She works accompanying women in situations of violence. She is a councilor at the Castellterçol City Council and has been Director General of Social Services of the Generalitat and president of the Catalan Women's Institute. She publishes 'La bassa' (Més Llibres), a narrative about a couple, Mireia and Sergi, with two daughters, who experience an irrecoverable degradation of their coexistence. A gripping description of the psychological violence that is often hidden in couple relationships
One day, when my daughters were little, we were queuing at the butcher's shop, they were tired and threw a tantrum. I was also tired and embarrassed by their tantrum, because I felt that everyone was looking at me, and I handled it as best I could. I don't remember what I said to them, but they calmed down. Then, a woman who was waiting congratulated me for having done well. I haven't seen her again, and considering that in Castellterçol we all know each other, it was strange, but at that moment she gave me a lot of confidence. As if a fairy had touched me with her magic wand.
Sometimes, people help.
— In a social organization like ours, motherhood is too individual, too separated from the community, and that is horrible. It makes us feel alone, doubt ourselves, and the patriarchy, racism, and capitalism take advantage of it. We women suffer more and more depression and anxiety that are a direct consequence of this pressure, this disconnection, and this economic model.
This pressure is often the feeling of guilt.
— The feeling of guilt is a very powerful tool of control. A piece of advice that a friend gave me has worked very well for me; she told me that she would only give me one piece of advice: do not follow any advice. There is always someone willing to question your decisions: whether you breastfeed or bottle-feed, whether you co-sleep or not, etc. And only you know what you and your baby need. Therefore, whatever you decide will be fine.
In La bassa you narrate how daughters can be the tool of an abuser.
— Using children against the mother is a very common form of psychological aggression. When your daughters' father, or someone else, tells you that you are a bad mother, they attack your waterline. In our society, the image of the mother is mythologized. It is based on total devotion. Deviating from this social norm is a risk if you are not clear that it is an imposition and that there are as many models of mothers as there are women in the world. That is why bonds with family and friends and parenting spaces in which to share with other women are so important. There is nothing worse than feeling that what is happening to you is only happening to you.
You describe the degradation of coexistence very well.
— In the novel, what happens to the protagonist, Mireia, or what Sergi does, has been told to me by women with whom I have had a relationship. Most of the women I know have been Mireia at some point and have known a Sergi, or more than one. When I work with women, something very beautiful happens. Once they share the things they think only happen to them, they see that it has nothing to do with what they do but rather with the structure of power. Then, a very visible change occurs in their body, when they take the weight of guilt off their shoulders.
Which aspects of your daughters' lives worry you?
— How they relate to themselves and the world and what they learn from me, what I teach them with what I do. I am very attentive to them being well with themselves and their bodies. And also to their personal relationships. I worry that they feel they have to fit in and give up being themselves, that they spend energy adapting to hegemonic beauty.
If you were a fairy with a magic wand...
— I would like to give them the little pill of "don't care about others' opinions and live intensely," but that is an attitude that comes to you when you are my age. I am worried about the violence they already experience and what they will experience; the capacity of the patriarchy to mutate and perpetuate itself. In fact, one of the reasons for having written La bassa is so that they can detect the Sergis from days away.
Tell me an anecdote.
— When they were little, I told them that I didn't have the money to pay for Netflix in Spanish, and that because of that, we had to watch everything in the original version. And they swallowed it. Martina was 7 years old and Jana was 5, and every day we watched an episode of a series where the protagonists were girls their age. At first, they found it difficult, and I had to stop the episode many times to explain to them what the characters had said, but now they cannot watch anything dubbed and they understand and speak an English that I would have liked to have had myself. When they found out that there wasn't one rate for the original version and another for the dubbed one, it was already too late.