Maria Mitjans Serveto: "It's harder to decide not to be a mother"

BarcelonaI lived in Brussels for three years. Then, because of the pandemic, I moved to Antwerp. I still go to Brussels for work, but it's a strange city where I never really felt at home. I like cities where you can cycle everywhere and that have a friendly atmosphere. Brussels has the added problem that many people are just passing through, which makes it difficult to form connections.

In The perfect moment You describe very well the agonizing process of deciding to become a mother.

— It's not an autofiction novel, but it is one of self-obsession. When I wrote it, I, like Hel, the protagonist, was trying to unravel the complexities of whether or not I wanted to be a mother, and I started observing those around me, my friends, and reading novels about motherhood.

And what ultimately prevailed, the head or the heart?

— In the end, I approached it from a much more emotional perspective. However, I did end up feeling somewhat cheated, and I think this is reflected in the novel. These rational or objective elements influence the decision. Everyone will have their own, but generally, they consist of having a certain foundation, whether it's a stable or flexible job, a partner, feeling like you have a physical place to create this family, a network of friends or family, and financial resources. All these elements cause the decision to be postponed. Postponing it increases the feeling of being out of control, of uncertainty, of not knowing if it will be possible when you finally decide. Does it make sense to keep putting it off indefinitely?

How did you find an answer?

— I didn't find it. But, interestingly, one of the key factors was triggered by the pandemic. Working from home allowed us to envision a much more manageable work-life balance. Not having to go to the office every day makes daily tasks much easier, and also, as a woman, it has allowed me to feel like I haven't had to give up either my job or the presence my children need. Motherhood puts work on the back burner, at least at first, but for me it was important not to have to give it up.

Is it easier to decide to have a second child?

— Probably so. You've already made the big decision; you know where you're going, and you don't feel like your life and identity are about to take a 180-degree turn. The second decision came less deliberately. I didn't have to write a novel! Factors that play a significant role in the decision to have a second pregnancy include giving your first child a sibling, ensuring they're close in age, and feeling capable of managing a second child.

The decision not to be a mother can be more difficult to make than the decision to be one.

— Yes, I think the decision to say "no" is harder to maintain. First, because it seems like it can't be a definitive no, and it's a debate that can drag on for a long time and is difficult to bring to a close. This can generate deep anxiety. Often it's not a resounding no, but rather one that arises from different circumstances that have led you one way or the other.

And deciding not to be a mother generates grief.

— There's a lot of talk about the change in identity when you become a mother, but deciding not to be one also involves a change in identity. After all, you're transitioning into a stage of your adult self, and that's compounded by the grief you may have expected to experience.

Explain to me what it means to be a mother abroad.

— Raising children abroad, especially in the early stages, gives you more freedom and leeway to find your role. You do it more your way. In Belgium, I can be a present mother, but also feel fulfilled professionally and personally. Now I'm discovering other enriching aspects, such as the fact that raising a daughter in a different cultural and linguistic context means you're constantly learning and it brings you closer to the country you live in. Obviously, it's not all advantages, but I try to focus on the positive.

Tell me one disadvantage.

— Language can always make you feel a little more vulnerable, but the experience with the care has been very good.

And about the identity change you mentioned, what's sweeter?

— Stepping outside of yourself. Ceasing to be the center of attention is liberating. There's a lot of talk about the loneliness of motherhood, but it's also a stage where you suddenly meet a lot of new people and move in new environments.