How to spot a toxic friend?

BarcelonaFriendships play a fundamental role in the growth of children and adolescents. They learn to relate to others, build their identity, and feel part of a group. But not all relationships are always positive. Some can limit them or cause discomfort. As child and adolescent psychologist Margot Fusté points out, in these cases it's important to know how to identify what's happening and, above all, how to support them.

What is a toxic friendship?

Fusté explains that this colloquial term describes friendships that are detrimental to emotional well-being and personal development. There are different types: friendships that limit autonomy and authenticity, relationships with an element of unbalanced dependency, but also bonds marked by control, constant criticism, or emotional blackmail. "These are relationships that do not promote growth or emotional security. Identifying these dynamics helps us better understand what it really means for an unhealthy friendship, and is the first step toward being able to support our children in establishing more positive bonds," says Fusté.

How do we perceive that our children have one?

"They may do so if we see them coming home sad or irritable, if we detect negative comments about them that may reflect lower self-esteem, if they stop doing activities they used to enjoy, if they seem very dependent on what others think or decide, or if we see changes in their usual behavior," explains the psychologist. According to Fusté, these signs are not always easy to interpret and it's normal for them to go unnoticed. "Therefore, it's important to maintain an attentive and open mind, trusting that through dialogue and closeness we can detect what they need," she assures.

How can we help you manage the situation?

"The first step is to listen to them calmly and without judgment, so that they feel supported and trust us. Then, we can help them name what they're experiencing, give them resources to set boundaries, and encourage them to seek out environments and relationships that make them feel safe and valued," she explains. Fusté also points out that it's important to validate their emotions and make them see that they are not alone. Furthermore, adults can demonstrate other, healthier relationship models, either through the example of family, sharing experiences, or providing spaces where they can meet people with whom they can share healthy and respectful bonds. "We must keep in mind that support can vary depending on age: supporting a child, who needs more guidance and adult presence, is not the same as supporting an adolescent, who tends to demand more autonomy and their own space. Adapting to each stage is key to ensuring they feel understood and respected in their needs," advises the expert.

Is it usually easy for families to detect?

Fusté points out that it's not always easy, and that doesn't mean families aren't doing the right thing. "Children and adolescents often share only part of what they're going through, and it's normal for some things to go unnoticed. Furthermore, they sometimes normalize behaviors that aren't good for them," says the psychologist.

How should we act towards the other child and his family?

The main focus should be our child's well-being: understanding what they need and how these relationships affect them. "Regarding the other child's family, it's advisable to act with respect and prudence, avoiding direct conflict and prioritizing strategies that help our child become aware of the situation and find healthier alternatives," she explains.

If this toxic friendship has been sustained over time, could it have consequences?

"When a child or adolescent is in a relationship for a long time that limits them, makes them feel inferior, or undermines their security, it can impact their self-esteem and how they build future relationships. But it's also important to remember that, with the right support, these effects can be reversed," she warns. "Helping them put their experiences into words, helping them regain confidence, and facilitating new positive experiences can give them invaluable tools for their future," concludes Margot Fusté.