He has older friends: should I be worried?

PinellIn each class, put children born in the same year, even the same semester: first-year students in group A, second-year students in group B. Educating children of the same generation together makes perfect pedagogical sense, but it's also true that it doesn't inherently foster friendships between different age groups. This isn't the case at the rural school of Sant Climenç, located in the main village of the small municipality of Pinell de Solsonès, in the western part of the region, with about 200 inhabitants. There are nine students—yes, only nine—of varying ages (including just one girl), and they all share a good part of their time and space. Because there are siblings, the number of families is even smaller: only seven. They are both long-time residents of the tiny village and also neighbors from Solsona who have moved there in search of a better quality of life and to escape the high cost of housing in the capital. One of the great friendships separated by several years is that of Pau Salvat (four years, I5) with Miquel Nieto (ten, 5th).

The headmistress of the school and of the El Solsonès Rural School Zone (ZER), which comprises seven schools, Núria Pujols, says they have a "very special and beautiful" relationship because Miquel is a very outgoing and curious boy, and he shares that curiosity with Pau. Since his mother is a science teacher and his father works in technology, Pau always enjoys recounting events he has discovered, historical and natural phenomena, and Miquel has always been fascinated by them as well. Besides that, Miguel has a kind of sixth sense for little ones; from the very beginning, he has always shown great interest, whether because he found them adorable or because—now—he has a stronger connection and a deeper bond, as their interests become increasingly aligned. And Pau sees it as a very close and genuine relationship. "They help each other a lot; in this case, the older one helps the younger one more than the younger one, but, since there are so few of us, there's plenty of time to find each other and connect."

Pros and cons of intergenerational friendships

The child and adolescent psychologist Aida Mayoral Mayoral highlights the virtues of friendships like that of Pau and Miquel: "Young children," she explains, "learn a great deal by observing and imitating older children: in psychology, we call this vicarious learning, according to the psychologist Lev Vygotsky. Older children, on the other hand, not only develop empathy, self-esteem, and responsibility, but also consolidate their own values." Furthermore, by having to put themselves in the child's shoes to adapt the game or explanation, they learn that children have a different perspective, emotions, and needs. All of this makes them more sensitive and improves their social and communication skills. Learning, Mayoral emphasizes, is bidirectional. "Older children offer security, richer language, and structure in play; they can also transmit social norms and ways of doing things. Younger children contribute spontaneity and creativity, and require older children to practice patience and flexibility," she clarifies.

But be careful, because it's not all sunshine and roses. In relationships between children of different generations, as in everything, there are limits: if the age difference is considerable, their interests may not align completely, and this mismatch can lead to frustration. There's also the risk that the older child will assume too much responsibility and the younger one will always be subservient. And of course, one must be careful with the discovery of sexuality: one of the two, the psychologist points out, "may not be ready to understand certain situations." The key, the expert maintains, lies in adult guidance: "If we are present and supervise, it's a very enriching experience." Intergenerational childhood friendships can begin soon. "It's true that very young children need to interact with their peers to practice basic skills like sharing and negotiating, but contact with slightly older children is very stimulating. There's no evidence that it's harmful; on the contrary, it gives them more resources and enriches them."

How the friendship began

Pau says the friendship began with theater and sweets. "Miquel likes comics and tells me about them. Sometimes, he acts a little like..." palasete"Someday he'll have to help me wash my hands, for example, because he's one of my grandfathers. He read me a story about mammoths. He takes great care of the little ones. And he told me the story of Popeye." The father, Ángel, remembers when they came to the open house before moving here, and the older residents' welcome was wonderful. They immediately wanted to be like older brothers. "The little ones are a bit mesmerized by what Miquel tells them," he says. "They're important to the school and should be role models. Pau has also interacted with older children from a larger school, and they get bored and overwhelmed. Many of those who are now in 7th and 8th grade come to play with the younger ones on Friday afternoons because they miss them."

What has brought them so close? "I think, perhaps, it's the fact that my aunt knew his father," he says. The older boy sees more advantages in the age difference: "I can learn from him about the things he encounters at his age, and he can learn from me about the things he's sure to do." But it's not all idyllic: "Today he made me lose my temper because I wanted to tell him an idea, but he didn't want to hear it and got a little angry." A fleeting moment of darkness: "Our relationship is very beautiful and healthy, and if it were to break down, I wouldn't like it." Miquel's mother, Laia Torrent, is a former student of the school: "I consider my best friends older brothers, and they're seven, eight, nine, ten years older than me." The formula, therefore, is repeated: "The little ones learn much more, and the older ones also learn to have a lot of patience because the maturation of a three, four, five-year-old child is not the same as that of a fifth-grade child. In the intellectual sphere, it benefits both groups, but, above all, in terms of values and respect," adds Torre.

Can it replace the sibling relationship?

Last year's fertility rate in Catalonia was just 1.08 children per woman, a figure that has been steadily declining since 2016. The Statistical Institute of Catalonia (Idescat) reveals that one in four Catalan women aged 45 to 49 is a mother of only one child. In a society with more only children than ever before, could friendships like the one between Pau and Miquel eventually replace contact between siblings of different ages? A psychologist specializing in children and adolescents agrees, but with some caveats: "It's not exactly the same, but it can serve a similar purpose. Before, when families were larger, it was very common to live with siblings of different ages, and this fostered natural learning among them. Today, with more families having only one child, children's schools, multi-age youth centers, or close family friendships can offer this shared space."

Everything points in its favor, then, for increasing contact—and thus facilitating friendship—between children of slightly different ages, instead of always confining them to watertight compartments labeled with their birth year. Beyond theoretical or technical arguments, one only needs to observe the looks and smiles of Pau and Miquel, two friends separated by six years, but united by the tangible possibility of a lifelong friendship.