Marta Casas Vilella: "I couldn't take care of my son without misfortunes happening."
A philologist, translator, teacher, writer, and mother of Bruno and Félix, aged 25 and 23, she has worked in dictionary editing, at official language schools, and at universities in Germany and Sweden. She has published 'Planeta Marc' (Columna), a sincere, moving, and inspiring literary work based on her experience as the mother of a child with autism.
BarcelonaThe first suicide attempt was when he was 12. Félix took all the pills he found in the top drawer of the dresser. This event, inexplicable to a mother, haunted me for a year. It wouldn't let me live. Exactly one year later, I began to write about this episode because I felt that writing would help me understand why it had all happened.
And why had it happened?
— He was diagnosed with autism at age 8 and subsequently attended a special education school. By age 12, he was being bullied everywhere: in extracurricular activities, with his friends, in his town, on the soccer field. All of this made him feel worthless. One day, in despair, he took all the pills he could find in the drawer, but his intention, more than killing himself, was to feel better quickly, because we had always told him that the pills were meant to help him feel better.
I understand now.
— He thought that if he took them suddenly he would feel better right away. Naturally, he felt very ill and we had to go to the emergency room. When we wanted to go home, they told us they couldn't discharge him and that they would refer him to a psychiatric hospital because it had been a suicide attempt.
That first attempt was more than ten years ago.
— In total, he made five suicide attempts, each of which resulted in a stay in a psychiatric hospital. Once admitted, he was fine from the first day, because psychiatric hospitals free you from being yourself; you're just a patient, and, as the word itself indicates, you don't have to do anything. Everything is provided: therapy, medication, a daily routine, crafts, daily outings, etc. All the time he spent there, he could take a break from being himself, and he always left very happy.
When Felix was 15 years old, he lost custody. Why?
— I felt like I had failed because I couldn't take care of my son without things constantly going wrong. I didn't feel like a bad mother. What I felt was that I couldn't help him anymore, that we had hit rock bottom. Félix wouldn't leave his room, he wasn't going to school, he had completely neglected his hygiene... He only played on the PlayStation. He played all night, mainly because he played with people from South America. He had abandoned all the habits that connected him to the outside world. He lived like a castaway.
Phew...
— We went to Social Services, and the only feasible solution was to place him in a children's home, but the condition for admission was losing custody. I felt I had already lost my son, and therefore, despite the pain and the feeling of being a bad mother that I did have at the time, I agreed to this condition because I saw no other way out. I trusted that once he was in the home, he would react and stop living like a wounded animal hiding in his burrow. And that's what happened. He regained his will to live and accepted himself.
What is Felix's life like today?
— This is the life of a young man his age: he studies, works, and has a girlfriend! He's a very polite, responsible, persevering, sociable, talkative, and cheerful young man. He's very aware of what it means to be autistic in a non-autistic world, and he stopped seeing it as a divine punishment a long time ago. He studies business administration. Every afternoon he works at a school as an after-school activities monitor. He maintains a very demanding daily exercise routine that gives him confidence and well-being. He's meticulous about his diet. And he buys and cooks everything he needs.
And your brother? Tell me.
— Bruno is a very empathetic person. I think that's why he's an engineer, because he wants to find solutions to problems. He's our partner in crime. We parents tried to protect him from the apparent injustices caused by Félix. No child likes it when their brother takes away their favorite toy just because he wants to play and doesn't know how to ask for it back. Today, Félix knows he can count on Bruno for anything. He doesn't get ahead of him or protect him, but he's always ready to help when Félix takes the first step.
Ultimately, what helps us understand autism?
— Strip away your prejudices born of fear. Approach that person as an equal, with your heart on your sleeve. Observe what they do, let yourself be guided, and you will learn a new language.