There is a phrase I would like us to stop repeating once and for all: "It's normal for sex to hurt." We've been sold it in many ways: that the first time is like that, that if you haven't had sex in a while it's normal for it to hurt, that it will pass, that you just need to relax... And, without realizing it, we've ended up assuming that pain is part of sex.

Perhaps you've heard of it, or perhaps its vintage name sounds more familiar: sadomasochism. But BDSM is much more than an imaginary world loaded with leather, myths, and misunderstandings. Under these acronyms are grouped erotic practices such as bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism. And, above all, there is an indispensable condition: consent.

Many times when we lack desire we think it is because there are no things that are exciting us. Because our partner no longer attracts us, because we are asexual –oh, how many times have I heard that word used incorrectly!–, because we are not very interested in the subject… But there is something we do not see, and that is that when we talk about desires not everything is about impulses, but also about brakes.

This is a question that is a trap in itself. Many times, in consultation, requests related to this arrive: to recover the flame and, consequently, to return to how it was before.

For years they have sold us a fairly concrete idea of sexual desire: that it appears on its own, by magic, when the relationship is going well and there is chemistry. But reality is a bit more complex. And understanding this can prevent a lot of relationship anxiety.

There are couples who end up functioning as an indivisible pack. They do everything together, share all plans, the same friends, the same hobbies and, over time, it even seems they have developed the same personality. This is what we call fusion relationships: relationships in which, at times, it is difficult to know where one person ends and the other begins.

Lubricants still carry a certain bad reputation. Some people think they are only needed when "there is a problem," but the reality is very different: using lubricant is a great ally for pleasure. Practically any sexologist will tell you so. In fact, their use is associated with greater sexual satisfaction because it helps reduce discomfort, increase pleasant sensations, and make relationships more fluid and comfortable. Now, which lubricant should you choose? The most important thing is to look at the base. There are mainly three: water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based.

Sexual fantasies arouse a lot of curiosity, but also a lot of guilt. There are people who are scared by what they imagine or wonder what that says about them. But perhaps the first thing to understand is that fantasizing is not the same as desiring. We can fantasize about a specific situation and have no real interest in putting it into practice. Fantasy is not a contract with reality, nor does it necessarily mask an unconscious desire for a philia or a trauma. Sorry, psychoanalysis.

Orgasm has become, for many people, a kind of final exam for sex. If it doesn't happen, it seems like the encounter was incomplete, mediocre, or a complete failure. This is called the orgasmic imperative: the idea that every sexual encounter must end in orgasm and that it is the ultimate proof that sex went well.

Reigniting desire is a common concern for many couples at some point in their relationship. And it's completely natural: no one has explained to us that sexual desire isn't constant, but rather something that also needs to be nurtured and worked on.