1 - Packages wrapped in gift paper. It's the first thing we saw when we walked into my mother's house for the first time after the accident. She'd started preparing Christmas presents, and there they were, as if nothing had happened. As Joan Didion says, "Life can change in an instant. In a normal instant." The emptiness was physical; I was missing limbs. Grief filled me. outsider In a happycracy where constant joy is expected of you. When you're looking for a job, when you go out with friends, or when you meet someone. At some point, I've traded studying or working for one: "Hi, I'm Carla, and my mother has died. And you? Will you tell me about your passing?"